A year has ended and a new year came, some people are celebrating today and some are grieving. I was cleaning my toe nails at home when someone call my name from the outside, I don’t need to stand to see who it was because the visitor was already right in our door, it was my college friend and classmate who went home in our town to celebrate the holidays, we lived in one barangay.

Apparently, they’re looking for ice packs but unfortunately our ice packs are all sold out, she stayed a bit and from her I have heard the bad news about what happened to a friend’s husband (E) one day after Christmas.  I was really shocked because it was my first time hearing about it that made her wonder on why I didn’t see it on Facebook, unknown to everybody I have deactivated my account on the said social network since I can’t stand happy updates from online friends.  I forgot my manners to offer her a chair because my mind was preoccupied on what had happened to my friend’s husband, it was only almost a week ago when a schoolmate asked for my number because this friend  (E) is asking for it but since I have no mobile phone I wasn’t able to hand over my number.

E is my classmate and friend since grade school until college, we are not too close but we are not too distant since she has other group of friends in the classroom and I have mine too, she treated me snacks when I am empty handed, I’ve been to their home many times, I ate lunch on their home a few times, our parents know each other so I guess we might not be the best of friends but we are friends beyond definition.

The news is depressing but like what I have learned through my journey there is no permanent thing in this world.  We are all by passers and someday our time to go will come… stay strong E… [insert personal message].

On my dream last night I found myself and other people inside a newly built home, it was clean and newly painted.  It looks like we are preparing for a game, we’re handed some cards and we have to find something written in the card. I took a different path and went inside a different corridor while the other people went together, as I am walking alone I saw a kitchen where there are a few females in the counter, one of them is my friend and classmate G. I tried to hid and walked behind a wall so she couldn’t see me but I still end up in the kitchen then I saw myself giving each of them something in shiny yellow plastic (sort of pastillas) and then G and I talked about something and I end up telling her that we all have the same destiny enumerating our circle of friends.

[Image source: hhomedesign.com]

I went out the house, I was initially hesitating if I should go out or not and then I found myself outside our neighbor’s old torn house looking through the piles of high-heeled sandals it was like I am pressing them if their heels are soft or hard. I picked a shiny sandals with a little dirt in the heels then I saw my aunt coming to me saying something and across the street in the irrigation I saw an older cousin saying something to me as well it looks like he is also searching for something, when I woke I cannot remember what is the conversation all about.

[ Tagged In ] Classmate Dream, Dreams, High-Heeled Sandals Dream, House Dream, Sandals Dreams, Searching Dreams, Searching Something Inside the House

Procrastination attacked me that I can’t write about my dreams lately. Well, I don’t know how this dream the other night started but I am with my mother and sister, and in my dream we are in some sort of an event and I saw a tall clown, and then I found ourselves riding in the clown, it looks like there is small basket where people can stand. The clown walked behind the trees, we are literally above the trees because I can see the trees below and the ground. We continue walking until we’ve seen a parade, the drummers and majorette were wearing pink uniforms it looks like they are all kids, and it was like there is a Boy Scout event. We descended where two people assisted us and then I hand over money as payment for the ride while they are folding a long deflated balloon which is the ride we just used and then we walked towards the parade but they are already a bit far and all we can see is their backs.

Then on the next night student dream visited me again, in my dream I am with a school friend and we are both wearing skirts (school uniform), we are opening our backpack and someone is filling them up with gifts and I was very happy when our bags are too full that we can’t close them anymore, I am jumping and dancing in joy.

Image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/sweron/2704051276

My dream a few nights ago is weird and familiar; I have seen myself with some of my immediate relatives as a passenger inside a van and some unknown persons at the front seat wearing black clothes. It looks like we are going somewhere then we stopped along the narrow road, my relatives went down because I saw them across the street while I remain inside the van, there are some people with me and they are wearing black clothes. The narrow road in my dream is the road along the cemetery in waking life, what happen next we are in a dirt and muddy cross road, we are about to leave but some of my relatives wasn’t in the van yet and we are waiting for them, then they arrived continuously, a cousin with burgers on her hand came from the other side of the road, she told us that she was in an errand to get a burger. Well, the van seems got new passengers because seating arrangement were changed and I was a bit worried about an older cousin losing her spot, an older female cousin is paying for the trip because in my dream she came from a rich family.

[Image source: paris-airport-shuttle.discoverfrance.net]

We continue our journey and we stopped a bit when we are nearing our destination because we could already see the magnificent site. We had a complete stop when we reached the place which is a tourist attraction, I was in jest because it isn’t my first time to be in the place, and I have visited the site already. The place was really familiar it seems I know every nook and corner of the place and I even know the importance and roles of the ancient buildings. I’ve seen myself with a backpack and plastic bags of food, inside my bag there is a camera but I am delaying taking it out to snap some photos for unknown reason, maybe because I have been in the place and have pictures of it already.

Then I don’t know how it happened, I and my relatives are in a bee farm, it looks like one because I’ve seen myself tinkering or pinning a cultured bee hive.

Days seems goes by so quickly, it feels like it was only Sunday the other day and it is already Sunday today. Today is Pastor’s Sunday and unlike those previous Sundays I sit in the front today beside my grandmother so I could hear and understand the sermon. The preacher wasn’t our Pastor but one of the church well-known member (L), I think she was previously a church president.

The scriptural topic topic was “Courage to Continue” and it can be found in the book of Haggai 2:1-9,  our preacher for today started by giving definition of some words and  telling a story of a well-known writer for being fearful of his family’s future because he think he isn’t giving them the best things that others can provide.  I have learn from our Sunday’s preacher that Haggai is the portion of the Bible where the people became contented in their home and forget about the temple, they become busy living that they forgot God.

Why We are Discourage?

The preacher says the first reason why we are discourage because of insecurity, we compare ourselves to others and we always think that other people are better than we are, secondly we felt insignificant that we are not needed, we felt useless, thirdly we felt unaccepted like we do not belong, we are an outcast and nobody loves us and understood us.  It was indeed true because that’s what I felt, I felt all of them when I was dropped like a hot potato, I felt so discourage that I felt like I have no space in this world.

How to Find Encouragement

We can find encouragement through groups like friends, through getting achievements like masters degree, promotions and etc. and by boosting ourselves and raising our voices but all these encouragement mentioned above are leading to nothing but to camouflage our insecurities in life.

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We slept late last night but I have to wake up early so I can attend Christmas service because it was scheduled early. The church is full than normal, wasn’t able to understand the sermon because some people are too noisy, this is what I hate sitting at the back. My sister initially suggested we should seat in the front but I didn’t agree with it because I am wearing a dress for the first time in church and just a small mistake on my seating position, the universe will say hello.

The scriptural topic is about “Accepting Christ”, when the short service ended, candies and cash were given to small kids and then groceries to grandparents.

Some of the relatives who were not able to go in our house last night dropped by, there is still left over spaghetti and purple yum, my sister just reheat the sauce so it is warm. Gladly, I have a few small bills too because small kids came over to ask for Christmas gift, it was quite embarrassing if I am not able to hand any amount since they were with an adult. I wrapped notebook for a neighbour kid since she cried a lot last year and won’t accept cash when she saw the gifts under our Christmas tree intended for my Godchildren. Our relatives stay a bit longer after meal and we just have conversation about their babies because while they’re eating we look after them. My younger cousin’s youngest baby has an eye problem; he was diagnosed blind by a doctor when his eyes didn’t blink after lighting up a medical flashlight on them. When we first heard about it, we have asked if the light in their bedroom was very bright, and indeed it was so they started putting a bath towel in the mosquito net to block the light, the baby improves a bit since then, looking after the baby we noticed he can see a bit because his eyes follows us when we move, like when I seated behind his head he rolled his eyes up, and he smiled and cooed a lot when you talk with him too, my aunt informed us that her daughter doesn’t know how to talked with the baby, breastfeeding him is enough for the mother and while we are talking my older cousin G’s wife came over with her two kids and everyone had so much fun with lot of kids around but when our relatives left our house I felt empty and that’s where depression ate me, eating at the Christmas table feasting at the leftover food I can’t control myself and broke to tears, I have asked my mother what will happen to me now. Am I going to live like this until I grow old? Am I going to be forever alone? My sister blurted out that she’s around to look after me, then my mother told me that’s why I should not treat my sister badly if I don’t want to grow old alone because she will be the only person I can rely on when time comes…

Well, we’ve watched a Korean variety show “Running Man” which my sister downloaded online while resting but I fall asleep without my knowing after being exhausted with my feelings and when I wake up it is almost evening.

Christmas is a season of love, peace and giving. Initially I didn’t plan anything for Christmas but I have realized I am going to be selfish among the people around me, among my God children’s, it feels like I am going to rob their happiness without handling them presents on Christmas day so within last minute I wrapped small things for them and put them under a small tree that I bought in South Korea during Christmas time just to add Christmas feeling inside our apartment. We have no tree because I have told my family not to decorate a Christmas tree since I don’t feel like celebrating. You know why? I felt jinx because it was only last year that I have seen a real Christmas tree decoration in our home, growing up we just used fortune plant as Christmas tree, hanging those worn-out decors.

Cooking something for Christmas wasn’t really in my vocabulary too but my family cooked “pork stew”, they said at least we can all eat good viand on Christmas eve.  An older female cousin came to our home a few hours before Christmas eve saying they will dropped by in our home tonight, we told her we have nothing in our Christmas table then she suggested to have rice cakes and she can cook it if we provide the sticky rice, sugar and coconut. That’s where I felt obliged to shell out my $10 savings for spaghetti so we could offer other food than pork soup on Christmas eve.

Christmas is the season of giving and the season of peace, last night the church held a Christmas Cantata participated by the kids and young people members. They’ve sang a handful of songs, and the adult female church members also shared their talent through singing after the cantata was fellowship and games but since it is getting late the kids are already exhausted so they only lasts after two games, there’s also group games for the adult and then raffle draws. I have bought 4 tickets for the raffle draw, a classmate and friend told me who’s one of the facilitator of the event told me to buy more tickets which replied I am only poor being and I can’t afford to buy lots of tickets, it was unlike her she can afford it, she is the kids Santa Claus this Christmas because she handed a handful of gifts and toys among the kids to share her blessings after the cantata.

And when the fellowship ended, exchanged gift takes place it started from kids to youth and to adults. I have joined adult exchange gift since I can’t be considered as young people anymore. I have been wondering who got my name but it turns out it was my older cousin L, she have told me it took her long time to decide what things she should wrap since it seems I have complete stuff at home, well she ended up wrapping a food container and after the exchange gift is snack time, every zone members contributed for it.

The theme this Christmas is “There’s a miracle in Christmas” and what I need is truly a miracle. The Christmas celebration in the church last year wasn’t like this, they’ve only held singing competition and exchange gifts after the service. Although last year, I didn’t attend the service I have went inside the church for a few minutes, well it wasn’t really inside because I didn’t go far from the church door like I was ready to run any minute when caught loitering around, actually I felt so embarrassed during those time since I have never went inside the church since I came home.

Anyway, I have noticed inside the church that everyone is wearing bright colors clothes in red, green, yellow and blue, it  seems it was only me wearing a black clothes huh? 🙁

Christmas parties, reunions and family gatherings are everywhere this holiday season, today my mother and younger sister went to town to attend Christmas party of the Avon beauty center they are affiliated with. They initially invited me to go with them since it was also the first time they will attend a Christmas party hosted by this beauty center but I declined the invitation and stayed home alone. I prefer being alone than with the crowd I have never met, when they left I started cleaning around and took care of our pets, our dog needs special attention because she won’t eat without being spoon feed, so I have to powdered the dog food so she could chew it.

When my mother and sister went home early afternoon, they brought a piece of fried chicken, a small cup of dessert, and a few pieces of lumpia roll for me which I ate pair with the cold rice, they didn’t eat it so they could bring them home. They were also given small gifts as token for attending the Christmas party, my mother informed me that maybe when I went with them I will win a major prize since the number that should be mine won a microwave oven but I explained to her that even though I have attended the said event I could not win since the microwave oven isn’t for me, it was destined for someone else, I have never been lucky in life draws so I doubt I’ll win it.

My dreams are my inspiration, so I created my own world in my dreams. It is a dream after another,  my dream last night is weird as usual. I’ve seen myself and a high school classmate, we are looking in the window of a haunted house which I think the bedroom. Inside I’ve seen colorful pillow, bedding and blankets,  some of them were in the floor where there’s a lot of kittens playing inside, the kittens were looking so happy and I feel great looking at them. Then I found myself behind a door I am carrying our Pastor’s toddler daughter (J), it looks like my classmate and I is planning to go inside the haunted house but I can’t left the place because I have to look after the door so I let her go and handed her the kid so she won’t get scared, I remained outside waiting and then the door open and some students came out running and shouting mixed with fear and joy and I woke up.

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Haunted house dreams are not common. They suggest that part of your life is stuck in unresolved matters. Such dreams are usually an eye opener to the dream. The message they bring is that you need to re-visit certain situation’s of the past and resolve any conflicts or differences. This dream signifies the importance of resolving conflicts, maybe the still weigh down on your capability to move on in life. The impact of such matters may still be felt or at other times, you may have hidden pain in such instances, you may fail to realize that you still hold onto feelings that belong in your past. – http://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/haunted-house

To see a kitten in your dream represents a transitional phase toward independence. You are ready to explore new things that life has to offer. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes innocence and purity. You are going through a transitional phase and ready to explore new areas of life. Innocence is one virtue that is expressed by kittens. You have a desire to feel good and be loved by those who are important in your life. They also tell that you are being asked to give up something that you love too much and cannot live without. Kittens are also a symbol of sexual fantasies and irrational beliefs that you hold dear. But if you are a woman dreaming about kittens, it reflects falseness, lies, and deceit  – http://dreamatico.com/kitten.html

To dream that the door is closed or locked signifies opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you have anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned. In particular, a door that opens to the outside, signifies your need to be more accessible to others, whereas a door that opens into the inside, denotes your desire for inner exploration and self-discovery. If  you are looking in the window, then it indicates that you are doing some soul searching and looking within yourself. It is time for some introspection.