Christmas is a time of celebration, the time where people should be merry and happy.  On the 24th it was my late grandma’s birthday so I lit a candle for her while everyone is busy cooking for the Christmas food, I thought everything is going to be well, not until something happened. It was shocking, I don’t know if I should feel nervous first or should I cry first. It feels so bad that I want to escape the moment, I want to run and never come back. I am tired, I wanted rest.

We decided to sleep early and didn’t wait for 12 AM anymore, when I wake up it is already morning and the fear, the sadness is still there lingering. I hate drama, all I wanted is peaceful living that is why when something happened between my sis bf and other relatives, I decided to withdraw from their drama and be at peace.

Well, it is Christmas day today and it feels empty, I went to church in the early morning and the basis of the sermon was from Luke 2: 1-7, with the theme Jesus – The Reason for the Season, where Pastor E talks about the birth of Jesus Christ and what is Christmas all about, he said that Christmas is a time of Celebration, Proclamation and Demonstration. He also said, we cannot celebrate Christmas if there is no joy in our hearts, so I guess there isn’t joy in mine.

Pastor E then shared a short story and afterwards asked if how is our heart doing, if is there is also something hard in our heart that we cannot forgive, open our hearts and be good with our brothers and sisters.

Anyway, after church most of our relatives went to our house for Christmas food. As expected, it was a bit of chaos with little children playing around and adults talking to each other, and it was decided that the clan will have the annual New Year’s party.

Christmas Day is not red or green, it is blue. #ChristmasBlues

Christmas is the season of giving, the season  of sharing and love.  A few more days before Christmas and I finally decided to put up our Christmas tree, my mother has been bugging me to do it a few months ago, but I am just too lazy to do it because I have no gifts to put under the tree and I don’t feel like celebrating, but since my sister and I wrapped some gifts for our Godchildren, I have decided to take out the tree yesterday, my sister has more gifts in the tree than mine, because her Godchildren keeps on adding since she started working (lol).

Christmas Tree 2018

A few days ago, a very distant cousin took me as a Godmother for his child, it has been said it is unlucky to say no to this type of invitation so another child was added to the list of my Godchildren.  Another child, will search for me on Christmas day (haha).

“2018 will soon bid us goodbye. Not all our friends, relatives and family made it this year. Never take for granted the people you love. Be thankful for today, because in one moment our entire life could change.”

Honestly, I have come to realized that the month of December last year was so memorable and happier than this year, did some hiking, been to two weddings of my high school classmates, attended a Christening as Godparent, and the Christmas party at church is worth remembering because there was a good preparation unlike this year it is a bit blunt and dull because there will be no Christmas service at night, the church Christmas party will be celebrated on Sunday after the service, it will be a whole day activity, games and then exchange gift  which is not well planned, no Christmas decor at church as well.

Christmas Tree 2017

What I am loathing, last Christmas I have been able to make the kids at church happy and even the kids coming to our home by giving them toys, school supplies and candies. I also able to give gifts to my family, relatives, friends and frequent store customers, but when my business went down the spiral after trusting people that cannot be trusted when it comes to dealing, everything went to the drain included my plans to give gifts to children every Christmas as a mission, life didn’t allow me to do it this year, maybe I shall find sponsors for next year (lol).

There will be a get together this month for my high school and college alumni, but the thing is I am not attending. Yep, I know it will be my chance to see my fellow schoolmates and classmates again, one of them just came home from the US, but I just don’t feel like going and mingling. At the end of the month will be my older aunt and her husband’s  50th wedding anniversary, her kids planned a party for them so I guess December 2018 isn’t too dull when it comes to happenings and events.

On celebrating of Christmas, gifts, food and money matters isn’t too important as long as you are celebrating it with your family and love ones.

There was a Christmas Cantata and exchange gift party last night at church, the cantata started early and wasn’t able to watch it from the start since we went to town to buy some stuff. It wasn’t that exciting anyway since it was just the same as last year, the young people sung the same song. The exchange gift party was done after the raffle draw where I bought few tickets and didn’t win even a minor prize.  I received colorful food container from the exchange gift party, it turns out my cousin’s wife picked my name during the raffle of names for exchange gift party.

Today is Sunday and it is Christmas day, most of the people in church were wearing red and the kids are feeling festive. Pastor E’s topic for today is part of the series of “Experience the Miracle of Christmas” which is The Miracle of the Method – from the scriptural verse of Romans 11:33.

Pastor E talks about how God’s method transcend us, His greatness beyond measure and beyond human understanding. He added that God’s method include each one of us, He uses ordinary people to accomplish extra-ordinary things and God’s method sanctify us, God is at work in our lives in ways that we do not and cannot fully comprehend.

After the church service, Pastor E told everyone not to leave since there will be a gifts to be given. The kids were given bag of goodies that consists wafers, biscuits and chocolates. When all of the kids got theirs, Pastor E called the young people to get their goodies I immediately run upfront while calling the attention of my younger cousin who is set to marry in a few days, she was in hesitation maybe because we are too old for the bag of goodies but with an older cousin pushing her upfront she followed me. When I returned, my cousin told me that some people voice out if I am  still a young people because as what they knew I am not anymore and I am already married, so I replied while laughing that the bags of goodies are for my younger sister who’s a member of the young people, she went home ahead because she needs to reheat something.

We prepared a little food to eat on Christmas day so some of of our relatives went to our home after the church service, they didn’t stay longer but I have enjoyed their company that I wasn’t able to feel Christmas blue making this Christmas a bit better than last year, especially with my little cousins visiting.

Well, since my personal photos were stolen from my dead travel blog and posted to other people’s website I started to blur photos with people in them for privacy reason.

We slept late last night but I have to wake up early so I can attend Christmas service because it was scheduled early. The church is full than normal, wasn’t able to understand the sermon because some people are too noisy, this is what I hate sitting at the back. My sister initially suggested we should seat in the front but I didn’t agree with it because I am wearing a dress for the first time in church and just a small mistake on my seating position, the universe will say hello.

The scriptural topic is about “Accepting Christ”, when the short service ended, candies and cash were given to small kids and then groceries to grandparents.

Some of the relatives who were not able to go in our house last night dropped by, there is still left over spaghetti and purple yum, my sister just reheat the sauce so it is warm. Gladly, I have a few small bills too because small kids came over to ask for Christmas gift, it was quite embarrassing if I am not able to hand any amount since they were with an adult. I wrapped notebook for a neighbour kid since she cried a lot last year and won’t accept cash when she saw the gifts under our Christmas tree intended for my Godchildren. Our relatives stay a bit longer after meal and we just have conversation about their babies because while they’re eating we look after them. My younger cousin’s youngest baby has an eye problem; he was diagnosed blind by a doctor when his eyes didn’t blink after lighting up a medical flashlight on them. When we first heard about it, we have asked if the light in their bedroom was very bright, and indeed it was so they started putting a bath towel in the mosquito net to block the light, the baby improves a bit since then, looking after the baby we noticed he can see a bit because his eyes follows us when we move, like when I seated behind his head he rolled his eyes up, and he smiled and cooed a lot when you talk with him too, my aunt informed us that her daughter doesn’t know how to talked with the baby, breastfeeding him is enough for the mother and while we are talking my older cousin G’s wife came over with her two kids and everyone had so much fun with lot of kids around but when our relatives left our house I felt empty and that’s where depression ate me, eating at the Christmas table feasting at the leftover food I can’t control myself and broke to tears, I have asked my mother what will happen to me now. Am I going to live like this until I grow old? Am I going to be forever alone? My sister blurted out that she’s around to look after me, then my mother told me that’s why I should not treat my sister badly if I don’t want to grow old alone because she will be the only person I can rely on when time comes…

Well, we’ve watched a Korean variety show “Running Man” which my sister downloaded online while resting but I fall asleep without my knowing after being exhausted with my feelings and when I wake up it is almost evening.