End of Life Signs: Sensing Your Own Death

Older people often say, when someone is nearing to death, they can sense and feel it without knowing, maybe that is why sometimes there are people who is able to give their last words. Since my grandmother died, it has been frequently in my mind to choose the song I wanted the funeral car to play in my own burial, I am even thinking what would be my dress and coffin would be (but I have thought I can’t be choosy with it), I have already a few songs in my mind. I am telling myself to have them ready in my desktop, but I have been procrastinating and I have been bargaining again to Divine presence not right now, I am not ready yet, so no wonder I am not making a playlist for it. It reminds me the times when J and I were traveling, the thought of writing all my account passwords suddenly came to my mind every time we are on the plane thinking at least my family can access them when I am gone, I bargained as well that time to just let me create a document for it, well I have been writing them slowly today not because I am preparing but because I am being forgetful of my passwords (haha).

Crow, Raven, Bird, Black, Animal, Nature, Feather, Death

[Photo courtesy of Free-Photos/pixabay.com]

This morning, I woke up with a pain the in left side of my brain what I mean inside the head beyond my skull. What had happened? I was dreaming when suddenly I felt something crawl into my skin and it woke me up shocked and surprised that it runs in my head, maybe if I am older and have a high blood pressure problem I could end up getting a stroke. I don’t know if it is real or I was just dreaming too that something is crawling in my skin, anyway, it reminded me to pray.

Anyway, there is no class today because it is declared non-working holiday and it was a good thing because I am not feeling well.

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Whirlwind of Emotions: Dream, Death, Regrets and Moving On

Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…

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Memorial Service: 40 Days After Death

Yesterday was my late grandfather’s birthday and my aunt 40 days after death, there was a simple service and small gathering at their house which is about 250 meters from us. My third elder aunt asked for solicitation I think the clan will cooked one food to bring. My sister and I attended the service since my father was at work and my mother decided to be the house person, the service didn’t start early since we’ve waited few more people, Pastor E’s wife lead the service since he wasn’t around, he was in another city attending an assembly.

The 40th days after the death of the person is celebrated because it is said that on that day the spirit of the deceased ascends to heaven.

Orange Flower With Butterfly

[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]

There are not many visitors, just family and distant relatives who are just in the neighborhood. I have helped washing the dishes while everybody is eating since I am one of the first people who finishes, we brought some leftover food for our parents too since there are plenty, our eldest aunt was the one minding the packed food for everyone who would like them. I have just finished washing the last batch of dishes when our cousin’s daughter told us that are mother was already calling us home, so we thankfully bid good bye to our relatives. Indeed our mother was already waiting in the field, we know our mother so my sister and I just sigh because we are treated like little kids again.

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A Very Sad Day: Death of a Relative (Aunt)

Today was a sad day in our clan and neighborhood. It was early in the morning when we’ve heard our relatives, shouting and running towards our other relative’s house. Our second elder aunt who was confined in the hospital because of high sugar level a few weeks ago needs to be immediately rush in the hospital since she unexpectedly vomited blood in the comfort room. It was told that two of our cousin visited in their house since our older cousin came home from the city and while they are talking happily she went to pee and then it happened.

We didn’t run to their house since there were already a lot of people who went there, we are not going to be a big help too and will only occupy space and then seeing blood make us nervous and we might lose consciousness before the patient.

biology, clinic, doctor

[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]

Within less than thirty minutes a news came that our aunt passed away in the hospital, they tried to revive her but she was already responsive. The doctors says the lump on her lungs exploded, an older cousin also says that the lump on her back neck exploded as well.  A different doctor gave a diagnosis a week ago that there’s water in her lungs and one of her lungs was already half in measure, as I look online  I found out that a condition in which the lungs fill with fluid is called Pulmonary Edema and when this occurs, the body struggles to get enough oxygen.

The rumors circulating our aunt has lung cancer but I don’t think it was really lung cancer since she  doesn’t smoke or drink liquor and she was not properly diagnosed yet, before she died they were set to go to the city to have her check-up and CT scan but it didn’t happened anymore because she had an attacked suddenly that lead to her death.

addiction, chemistry, close-up

[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]

Anyway, according to mayoclinic.org in most cases, heart problems cause pulmonary edema. But fluid can accumulate for other reasons, including pneumonia, exposure to certain toxins and medications, trauma to the chest wall, and exercising or living at high elevations but based on my research my aunt maybe has acute pneumonia because according to American Lung Association when the germs that cause pneumonia reach your lungs, the lungs’ air sacs (alveoli) become inflamed and fill up with fluid and pus, maybe that’s the lump that they saw on her x-ray results. This causes the symptoms of pneumonia, such as a cough, fever, chills, and trouble breathing. When you have pneumonia, oxygen has trouble reaching your blood.

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