These past few days, I spend most of my time reading true ghost stories and sleeping, yep, I am back to my old habit of reading supernatural stories and reading my day to day horoscope. I have been away for a few months, so I was overwhelmed of many stories to read online. To those who don’t know me yet, my likes are contradicting to each other. I believe in compassion and caring with other people, but I love mystery thriller/suspense and dark themes in movies/books. I have a different mindset and I have sensitivity in me, I can feel other people’s emotions and it is killing me because it seems I can read a bit what is on their mind or feel their emotions at that moment, I think it was one of the reasons why I have social anxiety.

[Photo courtesy of freeGraphicToday/pixabay.com]

Hence, I already knew what other people’s feeling before they can even speak and to those who know me well, they knew that I seldom stay still, be serious and looked into people faces when conversing because I knew when they are impress or not despite their smiling faces, which actually most of the time irritates my family, they asked me to stop  doing it, which is I am trying to do recently, part of it I think is being shy and not being confident.

Honestly, there are times I can foresee things without knowing it, before J and I parted ways. I have already feel what would happen and what is the six months of travel all about, he actually got pissed off of me taking a lot of photos a few hours before our departing flight, even saying, I act weird that as if we are not going to see each other anymore, and yep we didn’t anymore.

[Photo courtesy of Stergo/pixabay.com]

Just like what happened a few days ago, I have already felt it (me being restless) and I already expected what will happen, but I resisted and waited for a friend to speak up. Anyway, I woke up in a wrong side of bed today where the black hole is eating me up again. It was like I went back to my old self feeling blue, but when I accidentally got a long cut in my upper arm early in the morning from a protruding wire, I have returned into my senses that I am still alive and my cut is painful. 😭

Today, I am trying to do some focus and do some blogging chores I have not been doing since I live in my made-up world.  You know what, I wished, I can tell everyone that there are just times I don’t feel like talking or responding to messages, which is rude to other people, but this is me finding solitude and peace within myself (re: my unread and not responded messages/comments from friends and tourism classmates).

[Photo courtesy of Free-Photos/pixabay.com]

Well, RBM will do some falls hunting out of town on Sunday, but unfortunately I can’t go with them because it is Thanksgiving Sunday on November 25th, priorities matters and don’t know if I can do some hiking again when I have class schedule on weekends too.

My mother woke me up at the middle of the night because she said she can’t sleep (too much sugar again before bed time), so am I too. I have a dream last night, I remember it after waking up, but as much as I want to remember it right now, I can’t.  All I remember, I am crying that when I woke up my eyes has tears on them. :/

Well, It is still a few months before Valentine’s Day and here I am writing about love and relationships under the series of The Story of Us. It was my dream to be a pocketbook writer growing up, and being in school again my creative mind became restless. I am recently writing a sad short love story about an ill-fated couple who fell in love in a wrong time and in a complicated situation, inspired through someone’s life and the first story under this series.  It was such a pity and disheartening that my emotions can relate, I initially titled the story as “Borrowed Love, Borrowed Time” yesterday but eventually I wasn’t able to finish writing it because my mind is so weary, that I just created a plot.

The woman in the story decided to let go, and do the right thing. It was a saddening decision she made, but it was the bravest decision she ever made and later on the story her indecisiveness takes place, asking herself if she really did the right thing.

[Photo courtesy of Free-Photos/pixabay.com]

Many women, deals with anxiety everyday.  It was said that women with OCD report that their obsessions more often center around cleaning, I have been there or still currently there and as much as I want, I don’t want to experience it big time again and to someone to experience it as well, and to include it in the story I am writing it is mind boggling eh.

Anyway, on the later part of the story the woman questioned everything.  Should she really feel sad about it, should she really grieved? What if the guy in the story was just just playing around, what if it is all a game that she unknowingly become a victim? It wasn’t the first time the guy uses the same excuse, should she really fall for it?

Well, that was just a glimpse of the story I am writing and I am really not sure if I am able to finish it. I have found this video online and I find it suitable as the background of the story (lol). Anyway, I have so many stories way back decades ago that remained unfinished until now, procrastination and writers blocked always took place. Wish me luck to be able to write again and finish this story, but it bothers me if I should I write a good or sad ending?

Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…

Many people are so busy with their day to day activities that they couldn’t take care of their older loved ones, and with these caregivers fill these gaps. It was only lately, I realized how hard is care giving job, since I arrived in Tarlac, I have no proper meal for a few days and no proper sleep until today. Whereas, my sister keeps teasing me that I will lose weight in no time.

My grandmother is like a little baby, asleep during the day and in full battery during the evening, she won’t let me sleep, she keeps whimpering and waking me up all night until early morning.  It stresses and depresses me out, I became too sensitive, emotionally dependent and it is becoming toxic feeling that I have to let go of everything with my online/blogging friends, the friendship, the laughter and the connections.

Yes, I decided to let go of my online world. I have realized it wasn’t becoming healthy, I am being emotionally dependent and I am forgetting my real world, I am forgetting I have to live outside and not in the internet, where everything is superficial and mostly fake according to a friend.

Update:

I wasn’t able to let go of my online world, so here am I blogging again and writing into  my hearts content.

Today, will be my fourth day in Tarlac.  A lot of things have changed in these four days, I think I have lived a good life way back in Odiongan, where all I have to do is clean, washed my own clothes, water the orchids and look after my pets.

Right now, I have to do many things, I have to clean, cooked, washed, fetch water in a deep well, look after my grandma and etc. I can’t even enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning today, nor have a good night’s sleep, the moment I woke up, I have to keep moving until lunch, rested a bit and prepare for dinner. I am not complaining, I am just overwhelmed hence it returns me to the old days, when my younger sister is too young to do anything at home.

Guess what? I have wished before to live alone but not in this way, I literally went out of my comfort zone on my 32nd birthday, if before I just stayed home and not be bothered with other people. Today, I have to smile, talk and asked for help when needed. Yes, I can’t be a snob anymore and just look around, I have to be outgoing and learn how to mingle with other people, I can’t just be silent anymore and hide all the time.

My 32nd birthday brought a lot of changes into my life.  What is ironic, into my 32nd birthday, I have returned to the hospital where I was born. They said when you are returning from where you started, it means your life is nearing to the end.

It was early this year when I volunteered to be a teacher for Operation Christmas Child, we had a training around March and it was around last week of September when we started sharing the gospel with young kids after they received the shoe boxes from Samaritan’s Purse.

One hundred kids were blessed,  but just how Jesus cleansed the ten lepers where only one Samaritan returned to give thanks  (Luke 17:11-19), only a few kids aging 7 years old up, returned to learn the gospel.  It was disappointing, it made you think if what is happening, do Filipinos were really this ungrateful?

Oh well, who I am to judge. Maybe they are also thankful, but not thankful enough to attend a few hours of bible lessons, maybe they are just too busy at home, maybe they just can’t go for personal reasons or maybe they thought they would not be able to learn from me, but classes were divided into three zones, and there are also only a few kids who attended the bible classes in the two other zones.

Anyway,  this is my first time teaching kids and I was a bit anxious what approached should I use, should I be strict or friendly?  When you started teaching young kids, I realized your teaching technique naturally flows, your compassion and patience takes place.

Life is unpredictable, you could be alive today and dead tomorrow. Yes, we don’t know what will happen the next morning, we could just wake up and feel dizzy and it is the end, or we could just prepare ourselves to sleep and we felt too tired and exhausted, and the little we know our blood pressure is dropping down, we might make it to the hospital, but things will never be the same anymore, we can’t move nor we can’t see, we maybe have the will to get up and live but our body is too tired and immovable, we are slowly dying without knowing it ahead of time.

A few years ago, I have said that most people weren’t given a second chance to live or to grow up, but I realized we might have given the second chance but it was too late for us to realize that the second chance was already given to us and we just lost it forever for being unobservant.

It was five weeks ago when an Uncle died of heart attacked and now two of my relatives passed away in a week, a day apart, an uncle (Sept. 13) and grand aunt (Sept. 14). I was shocked upon hearing the sad news, I never thought it was that bad, I thought both of them will recover and live their life like they used to be, but God has different plans for them.

What is weird a few days or a week before the sad news happened. I have always seen black butterflies flying around everyday and two days before an uncle died, I saw a white medium size duck in our roof top early in the morning which is looking religiously at the church. I have thought of the duck as an angel because his feathers are so white and clean. It was weird to see a duck that early morning, I didn’t hear it came and I didn’t hear it flew away when it left. When I look around our neighbors duck, I didn’t find this particular duck, most of the ducks around where bigger and have dirty feathers.

What is more weird when I took a photo of a red rose in my grandmother’s backyard garden, an uncle died and when I took a photo of pink rose I saw in town, a grandaunt (my grandfather’s sister) died. I don’t know if it was only a coincidence, or is it a creation of my weird self or there is something more in it.

Update (3:50 PM).

When I went out this morning to walk my dog, I have seen another black butterfly flying around the trees and flowers, I have seen it many times lurking around my grandmother’s backyard. I felt a bit scared, but didn’t take it too seriously, but I just heard right now from my relatives who were talking outside that another grandaunt (my grandmother’s sister) passed away today (Sept. 17), the mother of an Uncle who died from a heart attacked five weeks ago.

Today should be the start of the training for Tourism Promotion Services but it was cancelled again due to bad weather (a typhoon is expecting to landfall inside Philippines territory today) or should I say because of disappointing numbers of trainees who showed up. As I have blogged previously, only ten trainees attended the orientation last week and today that ten trainees, became six and what’s funny the sixth trainee was a new one, which means out of ten only five of us returned to the training center.

We’ve just submitted the requirements, do chit chatting, watched television, took selfies and laugh. It was quite fun because we already developed camaraderie at each other, my hesitation of returning to university to take the educational unit so I can teach if I got lucky was gone, if I can only enrol right away I will, but I guess I have to wait until the next semester.

We are permitted to go home, but we can’t go because it is raining hard, we waited for the rain to stop a bit and left through a public vehicle. In town, I bought food for lunch at a restaurant and waited at the front of the town signage. My mother asked my BIL to pick me up after he went home from school, he left early, but came just on time because it turns out the motorcycle died along the way, I guess it is from the cold weather brought by the cold rain.  We stopped by at my sister’s work place so she could fix the vehicle and the three of us went to the gasoline station to fueled up and then went to Bread and Butter Bakeshop to buy some snacks, I have ordered eight of their burgers, two siopao’s and a 3.5 liters of black forest ice cream, but my mother asked us through messenger why we wanted ice cream when it was raining hard, so my sister returned the ice cream and I decided to get three of their caramel delights, which one of them was brought by my sister to work.

As expected, it was a bit hard going home because some dickheads destroyed the concrete road when the alternative route isn’t finished yet, and when they have no plans to start reconstructing it right away and most especially when they knew it was wet season already. The roads they have destroyed for reconstruction have been sitting like that for almost a month already.

It was been a long time since I posted in my blog, if I we weren’t asked to share or to let others know the location of the training center, I wasn’t able to update this blog. Wish me luck that in a few days before the training I can do backlogs, back dated posts.

Well, there are times I felt bored, I felt bored with the slow internet connection that I wanted to fly to Mars (lol), felt bored reading horror stories because they sounded like just the same old story, watching Korean drama series and even living at times I felt bored (lol), in short I felt bored talking to myself alone (haha), I wanted someone to be friends with and to talk with. Then, I remember I have created a profile online and after guessing many times what was my password I was able to login and saw many messages I wasn’t able to open and replied back then. If you think, I have opened them, well I let them as they were and started to browse profile to profile from males to females, young to old ones. It was entertaining knowing people in their profile, giving them encouragement, praising and applauded them for the things they have accomplished like helping a community and etc., It was good thing at first but it becomes tiring browsing and browsing and no one to talk too (well I do talk to one). I just felt I need to recharge, sleep a lot and maybe in a few days, a one or two I will have a full battery again (lol).

Anyway, my younger sister came home yesterday with sets of tablets and capsules. It turns out they were given to them, each employee was given different kinds of medicines and since they are too many for us, we have to share them in our neighborhood. Their office owned a pharmacy and a store, but it is going to close because it wasn’t performing well. They will just focus on space rentals and loans.  As I look through the medicines they were for colds, pain relief and fever, I wish there is a medicine to be happy and to be comforted because the world needs it.

When traveling, I am always fascinated looking at our tour guide because I found their job very appealing. There are times I mimicked them and acted like I am  tour guide too, so when I have read online through the FB page of Mayor Trinal Firmalo (Mayor of Odiongan) that there will be a free training for Tourism Promotion Services  through TESDA I eagerly sign-up at the Mayor’s Office, less than 30 minutes since it was posted (lol).

It was over a week, Friday late in the evening when I received a text message that the training will finally start, it was exciting but somehow head banging…

“Good day pls be informed that the training for tourism  promotion servicing ncII will start on July 2 (monday) 8 am at brgy budiong (s my dating rubix). Thank you”

The question is where is this place they called Rubix before? I have asked few FB friends whom I know to be working in the municipal hall, friends that were residing at barangay Budiong and even my sister asked her friends and coworkers who live at Brgy. Budiong but they have a unanimous answer “What is Rubix?”, “Never heard of it”, “There isn’t no Rubix here”.

On Sunday, we decided to look around Brgy. Budiong to find this place called “Rubix” my sister and her workmate concluded the meeting place, maybe is in the barangay court where it was near the bar called “Amigos” which is called “Cubes” before, so the texter might be pointing to “Rubix Cubes”?  Realizing that, we return to downtown, but me feeling unsatisfied requested to return to Brgy. Budiong again to find this place called “Rubix” and maybe until to Brgy. Canduyong to my sister’s disappointment, that she has to drove around again.

We didn’t find any, but going back to downtown Odiongan my sister saw a van with “Rubiks” in it and upon glancing I have read from their very cute building signage “Citadel Training Center”  so this might be the “Rubix” we are looking for. I blurted out that I already saw the van awhile ago, but wasn’t able to read what is painted because I thought the building was  a private home.

Monday, the supposed to be start of the training day. When I arrived at exactly eight in the morning, there were only two people waiting, I have asked first if I was in the right place to the person in authority. To cut the story short, there were only 10 participants present for the said training out of 25 expected trainees and as expected, they also got lost finding for “Rubix”.

We are requested to return at one o’clock in the afternoon and guess what nothing has changed with our number, there are still 10 trainees to be trained, the facilitators were disappointed but the show must go on. A short orientation was done, headed by Ms. Rochelle from TESDA and Mr. Ramos from the Office of the Mayor.

Well, the training was rescheduled next Monday to wait for more trainees or participants. If you are one of those people who sign-up and received a text message, but couldn’t find where is this place called Rubix in Budiong, please look for Rubiks Manpower Training Center, Inc because technically speaking it is Rubiks and not Rubix. It was just about 500 meters or more after Amigos Bar, you can see it on your right if you are coming from downtown Odiongan.

On giving proper direction through a text message, I hope someone must not shortcut or encrypt the name of the place because it doesn’t help at all,  people tend to get lost than to find the place, this is a must do especially if you are relying an information or giving direction to people unfamiliar with the place.