It’s my birthday today, it is the saddest on my many years of existence so there is nothing to celebrate. Next year will be the same, until next year and so on. I felt so sick so I am in bed the whole day. I am so down since last night; I cried myself to bed and felt asleep with a headphone in my ears. I have been listening Christian songs until today. I am in my lowest of all points, been crying a lot and I felt so congested. I found comfort hugging my cat but I found out he isn’t feeling well too. His temperature isn’t normal, he is having a fever and he is weak, he just sleep in my lap and we find comfort with each other, while feeding them tonight I found out one of the kitten I picked from the street is missing and we found her later weak and dying. I believed that when a pet dies it is a life saver, the pet dies instead of his human so my pet is saving my life again, I have died many times already if I am going to count how many kitten dies since I hit the rock bottom. They put their life in front of me so I could live, so I realized I should not waste my life and forget my crazy thoughts. I hope I will be strong enough to go on....
So today will be the last time I am going to cry online over my hurt feelings. I will keep myself private, the more I talked about my emotions and feelings the more I am going to sound very pathetic. The more people will be happy seeing me struggling and dying. The more I care too much about everything the more people will care less about me. If I remain too available, others will always remain too busy for me. I will try my very best to grieve privately. As much I would like to get disconnected online and just live silently without the influence of technology and social media it isn't possible. Yes, I just want to stay at home maybe plant flowers and vegetables, take care of my pets, sleep and eat. I want to live a silent life far from civilization, I want peace and I want to be alone far from people's eyes. I want to live in top of the mountain if possible; I want to live without knowing anyone these are my selfish thoughts for myself but I am not alone, I am not living just for myself. I have a family that needs me so I have no choice but to remain online and blog.
Without no one to hold on, I seek God and I find Him and He give me rest. I have realized nobody is really going to help me but myself; it is time for me to stop hurting myself even more and I have to start living myself on my own, one step at a time. This is not going to be an easy ride, I'll surely have a lot of ups and downs, lonely times and crying moments. If there is only a heart exchange surgery and people will be able delete some memories in their mind, I will maybe the first person in line to try it.
Anyway, I have read a blog saying that being too nice can contribute to depression everything written was true, no wonder why I am anxious in every little things because I am too soft, weak and I cared so much about things. I should stop worrying about everything and I must stop pleasing people. I must kill the ghost within me that is my fear of rejection and my social phobia.
Another day is another chance but not all of us were given a second chance. Take this, one day you will wake up and your doctor says you have only few months to live and no matter how you beg with bended knees if it is your time, you have to go and die. So while you have time and chance to do what is right, do it now before it is too late because regrets are always late. I didn't give up, someone give up on me. I want to stand up from my failure and correct the mistakes I have done for being childish so many times, I would like someone to help me to fight my fears, I would like someone to see I grown up, I would like someone to see the new me but that someone closes the door and walked away from me leaving me bleeding and dying in pain.
I realized nobody is going to help me but myself. I have to love myself first before loving other people. I have to learn to stand on my own first before asking for another chance, I have to prove first that I changed that I grow up not because of others but because of myself. I need first to learn and stand on my own and have courage to do what is right for me, I have to overcome my fears alone, I have to make myself comfortable being with me and knew myself even more. I have to renounce the guilt and let go of it completely. I have to control my life and my freedom. As Elzbieta Pettingill says be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.
Well, someday I will not be the person everyone used to know. I’ll be strong, I’ll be a different person, I will treat you the way you treated me. I will stop pleasing people, I will not care either they like me or not. Someday I will learn not to care what other people think of me, I will learn on how to say no and let go of things when they are becoming abusive. Someday I will not shed tears anymore and I will not let someone hurt me anymore. I will be only able to do this if I overcome all my fears and let go all of the bad memories I have collected in my mind and I must start doing it today.
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