Nothing more terrible than feeling sad when people are getting excited for Christmas, I felt like crying out loud. I have already told my family not to adorn our house with Christmas decoration because I am not happy and will never be but they still put a rainbow color light outside our house, they said so people will not know what I am going through and it will serve like a mask, maybe just like me wearing a happy mask every time I was outside the house and when I am going to the church.
It was only two weeks ago when I run out of the store after hearing Christmas songs because I can’t stop my tears from flowing, it was a joyful song but my heart is full of sadness it is hitting deeply. Last year, my Christmas wasn’t a happy one. It was lonely but it is lonelier now, I always blame myself for what happened and I don’t think I am going to forgive myself sooner.
There’s nothing new with me, I am still down. My head is spinning and I think I am always heading into a breakdown. I can't sleep at night so I always listen to Christian song to give me courage to live, I have said I will stop crying online but this feeling is making me crazy. I can't do it, I am tired trying to be strong than my feeling. It feels like I want to hammer nails on my head and stop my heart from beating. I want to throw things, I want to jump and shout from the top of my lungs. I want to finish my agony and just die, I want to sleep and wake up from this dream. Yes I am miserable!
Seriously, been thinking, if I can’t return to the past maybe I can make the days faster. So I have been sleeping a lot, I am not sure if my online friends are teasing me, maybe not since they are not aware what I am going through maybe I am just so sensitive about everything because all I see in my wall are anniversaries, spending birthdays together, happy moments and couple pictures making me to feel worst even more. I hope I will be strong enough to let destiny and time do its job but I always can’t stop myself from thinking too much. Anyway, I am not giving up yet I am still hoping positively that everything will went well no matter how long it will be, a few years or a decade.
Well, my sister and mother went to town today; my sister submitted a resume in the town hall. A new food chain will go open to our town and in need of people, she already exceed the age limit but she just want to try. When they went home, was told the age limit was strictly followed but the woman in the town hall took her resume for future reference if they need interns in the town hall they said they will just text her. I didn’t go with them because I don’t really go out, I am hibernating because nothing more terrible than being surrounded by lots of people in town but feeling lonely.
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