Everyone of us has their own fear, we have our own bad experiences that we can't overcome in life. Overcoming these experiences requires a lot of our effort and support from our family.
Maybe it was only me who knew this but I have been through a lot growing up, I was bullied, yes I have become a victim of bullying at a young age, I feel unaccepted by relatives and friends too. I grow up with these scars and I just live with it as part of me, although there was time in my life I have thought of committing a suicide to correct and reset my life and live it perfectly without mistakes but I have learned that's not how life works, I have to accept that life isn't perfect.
[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]
Then, when I have thought my life is already perfect and nobody can hurt me anymore , it crumbles to dust. Then I realized, everyone around me is the same. I always meet wrong people. It was my fault I have trust so much and I became so comfortable with life.
Anyway, I have blogged before about my phobia on receiving phone calls, that no matter how the phone rings at home I won’t pick-up the call which sometimes irritate my family especially when I was the one near it. It was only later I realized it was a sign of social phobia or social anxiety, I am anti-social, I am introvert.
As the day goes by, I have learned to overcome this telephone phobia. My restlessness slowly went way, it took me a lot of courage to learn how to deal with phone calls.
Yesterday, I had this strange feeling again, sudden fear and restlessness. It happens when my name was being called out many times by different people outside, it was maybe fine if they call me nicely but some called urgently, in hurry and others called like I did something wrong when they were just buying ice packs, getting an item from the store and etc.,
[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]
The perception of being called for doing something wrong and the frightening feeling was very familiar to me, it brought me to a time when I was young. It was in the afternoon when the young me went to the church beside us, I found my cousins playing with their slippers outside, an older cousin invited me to join but the younger one dislike it so much that she literally showed it to my face, me being embarrassed and angry for being outcast and bullied every time they play I hit her with a slipper on her head , it wasn't that strong but she cried like someone died (I guess to call her mother's attention), our cousins then started to scare me instead of saying what I did was wrong, they scared me that our aunt will scold me and maybe hit me as well. Scared from the wrath of my aunt because it was the first time I fought back, I run back to our home and locked myself up, my parents were not around, my father was in Manila and my mother went home to her hometown with my sister so I am literally alone in the care of my grandmother, so imagine my fear as child back then, when I went out of my cave the next day my cousins says our aunt was looking for me and I can't remember what else happened, all I know I was so scared back then I can't remember anymore if my aunt went to our home and look for me.
Another factor that contributes to my fear of being called was being beaten when I wasn't able to come right away when called.
Anyway here are the signs of Social Phobia or Social Anxiety from mayorclinic.org:- Fear of situations in which you may be judged
- Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
- Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers
- Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
- Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
J and I always have a misunderstanding when he asked me to do things but I don't want to do it alone, like going to the bank, buying groceries, buying a pizza or chicken, going the embassy, going to immigration, going to Seoul, being alone with a complete stranger while fixing the apartment blinds, going to mall to return something and many more. He always said, I was immature for not able to do these things alone. Little did he know it is stressing me out because little did I know I have a social fear but I guess my fear of him overcome my fear of people because in the end I was able to these things alone without him.
- Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
- Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling or having a shaky voice
- Having anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event -
- Enduring a social situation with intense fear or anxiety
- Spending time after a social situation analyzing your performance and identifying flaws in your interaction
- Expecting the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation
The Italicized social anxiety symptoms above were normal occurrence to me. Nobody told me, but I know my social phobia or fear being an outcast was brought by frequent bullying from school, my cousins, relatives, friends and family. My parents, instead of telling me to fight back they told me not to mind them because they said the more I entertained their bullying the more they will bully me and Instead of telling me to hit them back I was told to ignore them or run away because they doesn't want to have larger misunderstanding between adults.
Nobody wanted me, I slowly withdrawn myself within the society and my mother hid me in the four walls of our home because she said she was hurt more than I do every time I went home crying. I was never allowed to play, my world revolves between school and home, I can't be late after school because I have to be home at a certain time, I grown up doing household chores while the children around me is playing happily.
[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]
Another factor that contributed to my fear of being unaccepted, outcast or being judged, when it was told to my face. I have remember a day where every one was busy making a side dish for a party which I can't remember, I was there helping or maybe just playing around my grandmother called me out but since I was being held up by a relative, my grandmother who's in bad mood flared up and a fight begin between my aunts and grandmother, I was caught in between the fights of the older people. I literally heard and witness how my other much younger aunt and grandmother shout to each other and how things fly between them. The next day, my grandmother asked me to return the cloth to the aunt I was scared of because she has no plan of sewing it anymore, instead of just accepting it she blabbered a lot in front of me but and this word was instill in my mind until today "You are a jinx, the quarrels always start with you". For a kid like me it was very hurtful, I cried alone because nobody was there to understand and comfort me. I was dumbfounded and in question, why I became the cause of their quarrels when I have no idea how it started.
That was my life when I was a child, I am an outcast and unaccepted by the people around me. No wonder, I never smiled back then and you can see it on my old photos. Anyway, I was glad to meet different people when I reached my adolescence, I was glad I was able to escape from the claws of the bullies, I was glad my new classmates were more open and understanding, slowly I have enjoyed living and grow up like a normal person should be.
Fast forward. I found the reason to be happy, not to look back on ugly things I have experienced but the happiness was stolen from me just like how my friends were stolen from me back then. You know the situation when you found a new friends and the bullies will tell them not to make friends with you and you are nobody's friend again.
Just like I have said it was my fault I became so comfortable that things will lasts and then suddenly it is magic, the black hole have eaten me, I was very depressed and hopeless. I hid myself again from people, scared to be judged and be laughed at.
My thought was, the bullies pray harder that's why it happens, they don't want to see me happy and smiling. Well, in the end I am to blame, it is my life, my pain and my happiness lies within me. So yesterday, when I was stressed, felt frightened and restless I shouted it out, did a stretch and sleep and I was able to recover myself from almost being corrupted by anxiety.
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