A Blessed Sunday: Courage to Continue

Days seems goes by so quickly, it feels like it was only Sunday the other day and it is already Sunday today. Today is Pastor's Sunday and unlike those previous Sundays I sit in the front today beside my grandmother so I could hear and understand the sermon. The preacher wasn't our Pastor but one of the church well-known member (L), I think she was previously a church president.

The scriptural topic topic was "Courage to Continue" and it can be found in the book of Haggai 2:1-9,  our preacher for today started by giving definition of some words and  telling a story of a well-known writer for being fearful of his family's future because he think he isn't giving them the best things that others can provide.  I have learn from our Sunday's preacher that Haggai is the portion of the Bible where the people became contented in their home and forget about the temple, they become busy living that they forgot God.

Why We are Discourage?

The preacher says the first reason why we are discourage because of insecurity, we compare ourselves to others and we always think that other people are better than we are, secondly we felt insignificant that we are not needed, we felt useless, thirdly we felt unaccepted like we do not belong, we are an outcast and nobody loves us and understood us.  It was indeed true because that's what I felt, I felt all of them when I was dropped like a hot potato, I felt so discourage that I felt like I have no space in this world.

How to Find Encouragement

We can find encouragement through groups like friends, through getting achievements like masters degree, promotions and etc. and by boosting ourselves and raising our voices but all these encouragement mentioned above are leading to nothing but to camouflage our insecurities in life.

To find courage and strength we should look around us and we should look-up because it was mentioned in verse 4 of Haggai that God's presence gives strength to all Judea's,  because God is with them. The preacher says that it was indeed true that life is full of problems but we all must remember that we are not really alone when we felt like we are alone because God is with us.

Source of Courage

1. God's presence - God's spirit take away fears
2. God's Promise - His sincere and faithful promise "I will never leave you nor forsake you"
3. God's Power - He is powerful to talk to us to move on and continue life even though we sometimes underestimate Him and only depend to ourselves.
4. God's Peace - Peace is not the absent of crimes but peace is in ourselves and to our relation to God

Well, the preacher says we all find courage to continue when we felt confident with ourselves, put God to our lives and we will find courage to stand when we kneel before the Lord. When we have nothing and felt discourage to continue we should all remember that when we have God we have everything, He want us to continue and to go.

A note to self

[Image source: pinterest.com]

Honestly, when I heard the scriptural topic it felt like God's is talking to me, telling me what should I do after crying the other day and  worrying about my future, it was like God is saying I have to be strong and courageous, not to lose hope and have a strong will to go on like how a saying goes that there is always a rainbow after the rain.

Miserable Feeling: Wearing a Happy Mask

Nothing more terrible than feeling sad when people are getting excited for Christmas, I felt like crying out loud. I have already told my family not to adorn our house with Christmas decoration because I am not happy and will never be but they still put a rainbow color light outside our house, they said so people will not know what I am going through and it will serve like a mask, maybe just like me wearing a happy mask every time I was outside the house and when I am going to the church.

It was only  two weeks ago when I run out of the store after hearing Christmas songs because I can’t stop my tears from flowing, it was a joyful song but my heart is full of sadness it is hitting deeply.  Last year, my Christmas wasn’t a happy one. It was lonely but it is lonelier now, I always blame myself for what happened and I don’t think I am going to forgive myself sooner.

There’s nothing new with me, I am still down. My head is spinning and I think I am always heading into a breakdown. I can't sleep at night so I always listen to Christian song to give me courage to live, I have said I will stop crying online but this feeling is making me crazy.  I can't do it, I am tired trying to be strong than my feeling. It feels like I want to hammer nails on my head and stop my heart from beating. I want to throw things, I want to jump and shout from the top of my lungs. I want to finish my agony and just die, I want to sleep and wake up from this dream. Yes I am miserable!

Seriously, been thinking, if I can’t return to the past maybe I can make the days faster. So I have been sleeping a lot, I am not sure if my online friends are teasing me, maybe not since they are not aware what I am going through maybe I am just so sensitive about everything because all I see in my wall are anniversaries, spending birthdays together, happy moments and couple pictures making me to feel worst even more. I hope I will be strong enough to let destiny and time do its job but I always can’t stop myself from thinking too much. Anyway, I am not giving up yet I am still hoping positively that everything will went well no matter how long it will be, a few years or a decade.

Well, my sister and mother went to town today; my sister submitted a resume in the town hall. A new food chain will go open to our town and in need of people, she already exceed the age limit but she just want to try. When they went home, was told the age limit was strictly followed but the woman in the town hall took her resume for future reference if they need interns in the town hall they said they will just text her. I didn’t go with them because I don’t really go out, I am hibernating because nothing more terrible than being surrounded by lots of people in town but feeling lonely.

Dealing with Birthday Sadness and Depression

It’s my birthday today, it is the saddest on my many years of existence so there is nothing to celebrate. Next year will be the same, until next year and so on. I felt so sick so I am in bed the whole day.  I am so down since last night; I cried myself to bed and felt asleep with a headphone in my ears. I have been listening Christian songs until today.  I am in my lowest of all points, been crying a lot and I felt so congested. I found comfort hugging my cat but I found out he isn’t feeling well too. His temperature isn’t normal, he is having a fever and he is weak, he just sleep in my lap and we find comfort with each other, while feeding them tonight I found out one of the kitten I picked from the street is missing and we found her later weak and dying. I believed that when a pet dies it is a life saver, the pet dies instead of his human so my pet is saving my life again, I have died many times already if I am going to count  how many kitten dies since I hit the rock bottom. They put their life in front of me so I could live, so I realized I should not waste my life and forget my crazy thoughts. I hope I will be strong enough to go on....

So today will be the last time I am going to cry online over my hurt feelings. I will keep myself private, the more I talked about my emotions and feelings the more I am going to sound very pathetic. The more people will be happy seeing me struggling and dying.  The more I care too much about everything the more people will care less about me.  If I remain too available, others will always remain too busy for me. I will try my very best to grieve privately. As much I would like to get disconnected online and just live silently without the influence of technology and social media it isn't possible. Yes, I just want to stay at home maybe plant flowers and vegetables, take care of my pets, sleep and eat. I want to live a silent life far from civilization, I want peace and I want to be alone far from people's eyes.  I want to live in top of the mountain if possible; I want to live without knowing anyone these are my selfish thoughts for myself but I am not alone, I am not living just for myself. I have a family that needs me so I have no choice but to remain online and blog.

Without no one to hold on, I seek God and I find Him and He give me rest. I have realized nobody is really going to help me but myself; it is time for me to stop hurting myself even more and I have to start living myself on my own, one step at a time.  This is not going to be an easy ride, I'll surely have a lot of ups and downs, lonely times and crying moments. If there is only a heart exchange surgery and people will be able delete some memories in their mind, I will maybe the first person in line to try it.

Anyway, I have read a blog saying that being too nice can contribute to depression everything written was true, no wonder why I am anxious in every little things because I am too soft, weak and I cared so much about things. I should stop worrying about everything and I must stop pleasing people. I must kill the ghost within me that is my fear of rejection and my social phobia.

Another day is another chance but not all of us were given a second chance. Take this, one day you will wake up and your doctor says you have only few months to live and no matter how you beg with bended knees if it is your time, you have to go and die. So while you have time and chance to do what is right, do it now before it is too late because regrets are always late. I didn't give up, someone give up on me. I want to stand up from my failure and correct the mistakes I have done for being childish so many times, I would like someone to help me to fight my fears, I would like someone to see I grown up, I would like someone to see the new me but that someone closes the door and walked away from me leaving me bleeding and dying in pain.

I realized nobody is going to help me but myself. I have to love myself first before loving other people. I have to learn to stand on my own first before asking for another chance, I have to prove first that I changed that I grow up not because of others but because of myself.  I need first to learn and stand on my own and have courage to do what is right for me, I have to overcome my fears alone, I have to make myself comfortable being with me and knew myself even more.   I have to renounce the guilt and let go of it completely. I have to control my life and my freedom. As Elzbieta Pettingill says be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.

Well, someday I will not be the person everyone used to know. I’ll be strong, I’ll be a different person, I will treat you the way you treated me. I will stop pleasing people, I will not care either they like me or not. Someday I will learn not to care what other people think of me, I will learn on how to say no and let go of things when they are becoming abusive. Someday I will not shed tears anymore and I will not let someone hurt me anymore. I will be only able to do this if I overcome all my fears and let go all of the bad memories I have collected in my mind and I must start doing it today.

Depression, Losing Hope and Giving Up

Emptiness and lifeless feeling. I am already tired of living, I don't find reason to live. I am so depressed of life,  every day is an agony and every morning I wake up is a punishment. I felt so weak, I am tired of crying but this stupid pain won't go away. There are times I would like to open my chest, took my heart out so it will stop beating. It was very painful and heart wrenching, I wanna end my life. I don't wanna live anymore...

Yes, I am struggling with depression, I am living in a black hole. I felt tired, hopeless and helpless, I have no interest meeting friends and people I hide whenever I see them, I sleep a lot without a thought of waking up, I can’t control negative thoughts, no matter how much I tried, I am irritable and can't concentrate on things I need to do. I am severe.

There are a lot of times I want to give up and just go, but then whenever I read a quotes out of nowhere I have realized I am becoming selfish thinking just about myself giving up. There are other people in the worst situation where am I know, there are more people struggling than I am now but they keep on fighting and they keep on living. Like what I have heard yesterday while my family is watching a drama series "To survive this life, you must wear a happy mask" well I must do this so I can live this life because maybe there will be a better life waiting for me on my next life, I wonder if I will be reincarnated as human again.

The photo above is the cat we have rescue from a tree, it is indeed true that your pets can feel your sadness and setbacks in life. He started sleeping like he is so down  in top of the TV when one day he saw me with a tears in my eyes, the favors and souvenirs were displayed over there but my family decided to transfer them in a safe place to avoid being accidentally dropped in the floor.

The Black Hole and Going to Church after a Long Time

The black hole ate me again last night so I asked my mother and sister to drive me to town, I felt a little better when I feel the air touching my face and head, if only air could carry my burdens away from me it would be nicer. We made a little grocery shopping but I didn't stay longer inside the store, I went out immediately upon hearing a Christmas song inside because I can't stop my tears from coming out, the music was so magical, it was very merry but I am dying inside.

Anyway, I went to church today. It was been a long time since I attend a church service. I didn't go to church since I came home to Philippines which is already over a year ago which is so wrong because I have  a lot of things to be thankful for. I forgot a lot of things, I became very comfortable with my life, I forgot to pray and open my bible which I always did before. I wandered and I became lost, I became overwhelmed and drunk with the material world. I have been wanting to go to church but I was so embarrassed to do it alone maybe because I felt like I can still go on with my life and take some steps forward. But lately, I can't do it anymore. I can't walked anymore, I am very tired already and would like to rest, so I surrendered all my pain and burden inside my heart to God.

The church was just in our neighborhood just right beside us so we could hear everything from praise and worship, to the message and prayers. Last Sunday there are some testimonies about God faithfulness, I have heard someone shared that she knew that she didn't pass a board exam so she would remember being a Christian and to remember God, because once we became comfortable with life we forgot to praise and say thank you to Him.  It hits me deeply, it was just like me. I forgot to say thank you and I forgot to pray for a long period of time, it was recently that I learned again to call Him. I became a bad child and now He is waking me up and calling me so I will remember Him, I will remember God's faithfulness.

So today I went to church, I wake up early because the service will start very early since it was the first Sunday of the month. Before going into church I bought candies in the store and my aunt was surprised when I told her I am going to church after she asked where am I heading to.

It was heartwarming to be inside the church again, singing "Amazing Grace" made me teary. The message I heard today is about mission, and this would be the topic for the whole month of October, the last Sunday of the month will be celebrated as Wider Mission Sunday. I would like to write down some notes but I forgot to bring a pen with me and I just remember at home that I should instead record the message in my phone rather than looking for a pen. If I remember it right, the people/church has a mission but they have two choose either  to be a good Christian who shared or just to remain a Christian who doesn't do anything.

There is a church hopping after the service but I didn't go to it anymore even my aunt invited me to do it, in church hopping we have to attend another Sunday service into another church.