Losing and Grieving the Death of a Friend

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Friendship is important because it helps us build connections with people who share our values or interests. I have this one friend (M) from high school, we are closed to the extent she took the same course with me at college. We both have the same scholarship, you can’t see us apart, we ate lunch together, we study together and  we took the same route home and sometimes when we are a little short with our allowance we walked home, even if we are both wearing heels.

She had already maybe my best friend, I can tell her my problems at home, my crushes back then and everything that is disturbing me. We are closed since we are together since high school, but not too close, because we do still have other friends in the group. We grow apart, right after college graduation, she got married and have one child, she withdraw herself in the society and so did I. We lost contact and don’t communicate often, there’s Facebook, but internet in the Philippines wasn’t that good that time. Maybe because we have both been busy with our own life that we forget our friendship existed.

breakup with a friend

For me, my friends are for lifetime, but I am kind of person that if you don’t initiate to contact or to talk with me, I will not either. Chatting was too burdensome for me, unless I enjoyed what we are talking or I like talking to you. Some of my friends can attest to that, because it comes to a point they have to tag me, so I will be notified and participate in the conversation.  A work friend actually complained once, that I respond so late, because she will chat in the morning, I replied at night time already, LOL.

Anyway, four months ago a high school classmate, messaged me about a letter circulating in their barangay, apparently a friend’s aunt is doing a fund raising for my friend (M), the content of the letter shocked me and I was in disbelief and I immediately messaged my friend M, if it is true.  She said yes, they were fundraising, but she didn’t elaborate the results and she even almost denied having a grave illness, she just told us, she is sick and in medication, she said she is doing better, the medicines she is taking is effective. As a friend, I shared her situation with some of my other friends and to our classmates, we helped her in our own little way and then life became so busy, four months had passed the biggest shocked of my life came, when her husband changed his profile picture and condolences and sympathy flooded in his wall. I panicked and was in disbelief, I immediately contacted her husband, what happened and how’s my friend doing, and the biggest heartbreak this year almost made me weak.

My friend (M) died, she succumbed to her illness. Apparently, she lied to everyone, she keeps her illness to herself, to her family. She hid it so well, that we know nothing. It was painful, guilt and regrets wrapped me up, I was like a robot, functioning but with no feelings, or I functioned but not so well, it was too heavy to carry, I would like to cry, but there are no tears running down from my eyes.  Light headed, I immediately told our friends and classmates in high school and college what happened to M, they were sad too and almost in disbelief, because they also thought she is doing well like she portrayed she was,  we raised funds and I actually asked those who message me personally to extend help if they can, because M’s family is financially exhausted, good thing the response was positive.

At work, I became so silent which is unusual to everyone, they tried to cheer me up and even some of my other friends tried to make me laugh, one of our bosses sent a stolen photo of someone in my inbox, for me to smile and be happy.  It was, actually, a friend and workmate’s birthday that day, it was a happy occasion, but it wasn’t for me. There was no way for me to celebrate when I am sad and in grief, later that afternoon she invited us to go out, as one of our bosses wanted to treat her somewhere nice, I went with them, because I would like to breath and to forget my grief. It helps, was able to feel a little bit better and was able to breath from my sadness.

loss of a loved one quote jack thorne

Anyway, are you going to believe me if I say, I think I already felt something is wrong with my friend. I initially wanted to share our picture together taken in Baguio, but I didn’t because my immediate bosses were going to Baguio and I was thinking they might think I am trying to show off, that I have been there too.  For two nights before she died, I think she visited me too, and I never told this to anyone, because I don’t want to be judge and called weird, but the night before when lights were already off I saw a white silhouette of a woman in our room, just in the foot of my bed, her hair was a bit curl, she is healthy looking and her aura isn’t that scary, I look at her without even a thought who she was, it was only when my friend died that I realized, maybe it was her who visited me at home to say goodbye since we didn’t even see each other for a long time, we went to his father’s funeral last year, but she wasn’t around, or maybe she hid from us.

Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, and prevent loneliness, but I think I wasn’t a good friend at all. I wasn’t able to give those to her while she is sick and dying, wasn’t able to give her love, time and effort. She hid her illness very well, she was already given a few months to live, yet she didn’t tell us, she said she is ok and going stronger, she is already bedridden, but she said, she can already walk and do small things.

Some of our friends, told me to let go that maybe our friend (M), wanted it to be like that, she doesn’t want us to be sad and don’t want us to cry, they said I should be happy because our friend (M) was already free from her sickness, she was already happy in heaven. Shall I really do that?

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