Losing and Grieving the Death of a Friend

Friendship is important because it helps us connect with people who share our values or interests. I have this one friend (M) from high school, we are close to the extent that she took the same course as me at college. We both have the same scholarship, you can’t see us apart, we eat lunch together, we study together and we take the same route home, and when we are a little short of our allowance we walk home, even if we are both wearing heels.

She had already maybe my best friend, I can tell her my problems at home, my crushes back then, and everything that is disturbing me. We are close since we have been together since high school, but not too close because we do still have other friends in the group. We grew apart, right after college graduation, She got married and had one child, and she withdrew herself from society and so did I. We lost contact and don’t communicate often, There’s Facebook, but the internet in the Philippines wasn’t that good at that time. Maybe because we have both been busy with our lives, we forget our friendship existed.


For me, my friends are for a lifetime, but I am the kind of person who if you don’t initiate contact or talk with me, I will not either. Chatting was too burdensome for me unless I enjoyed what we were talking about or liked talking to you. Some of my friends can attest to that because it comes to a point where they have to tag me, so I will be notified and participate in the conversation.  A work friend complained once, that I responded so late because she would chat in the morning, I replied at night time already, LOL.

Anyway, four months ago a high school classmate, messaged me about a letter circulating in their barangay, apparently A friend’s aunt is doing a fund raising for my friend (M), The content of the letter shocked me and I was in disbelief and I immediately messaged my friend M, if it is true.  She said yes, they were fundraising, but she didn’t elaborate on the results and she even almost denied having a grave illness, She just told us, she is sick and on medication, She said she is doing better, and the medicines she is taking are effective. As a friend, I shared her situation with some of my other friends and our classmates, We helped her in our little way and then life became so busy, Four months passed the biggest shock of my life came when her husband changed his profile picture and condolences and sympathy flooded in his wall. I panicked and was in disbelief, I immediately contacted her husband, what happened and how’s my friend doing, The biggest heartbreak this year almost made me weak.

My friend (M) died, she succumbed to her illness. She lies to everyone, she keeps her illness to herself, to her family. She hid it so well, that we know nothing. It was painful, guilt and regrets wrapped me up, I was like a robot, functioning but with no feelings, or I functioned but not so well, it was too heavy to carry, I would like to cry, but no tears are running down from my eyes.  Lightheaded, I immediately told our friends and classmates in high school and college what happened to M., They were sad too and almost in disbelief because they also thought she was doing well like she portrayed she was,  We raised funds and I asked those who message me personally to extend help if they can, because M’s family is financially exhausted, good thing the response was positive.

At work, I became so silent which is unusual for everyone, They tried to cheer me up and even some of my other friends tried to make me laugh, One of our bosses sent a stolen photo of someone in my inbox, for me to smile and be happy.  It was, actually, a friend and workmate’s birthday that day, It was a happy occasion, but it wasn’t for me. There was no way for me to celebrate when I was sad and in grief, later that afternoon she invited us to go out, as one of our bosses wanted to treat her somewhere nice, I went with them, because I would like to breathe and to forget my grief. It helps, was able to feel a little bit better and was able to breathe from my sadness.

Anyway, are you going to believe me if I say, I think I already feel something is wrong with my friend? I initially wanted to share our picture taken in Baguio, but I didn’t because my immediate bosses were going to Baguio and I thought they might think I was trying to show off, that I had been there too.  For two nights before she died, I think she visited me too, and I never told this to anyone, because I don\’t want to be judged and called weird, but the night before when the lights were already off I saw a white silhouette of a woman in our room, just in the foot of my bed, her hair was a bit curl, she is healthy looking and her aura isn’t that scary, I look at her without even a thought who she was, it was only when my friend died that I realized, maybe it was her who visited me at home to say goodbye since we didn’t even see each other for a long time, we went to his father’s funeral last year, but she wasn’t around, or maybe she hid from us.

Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, and prevent loneliness, but I think I wasn’t a good friend at all. I wasn’t able to give those to her while she was sick and dying, wasn’t able to give her love, time, and effort. She hid her illness very well, she was already given a few months to live, yet she didn’t tell us, She said she was okay and getting stronger, she was already bedridden, but she said, she could already walk and do small things.

Some of our friends told me to let go that maybe our friend (M), wanted it to be like that, she didn’t want us to be sad and don\’t want us to cry, They said I should be happy because our friend (M) was already free from her sickness, she was already happy in heaven. Shall I do that?

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