Losing and Grieving the Death of a Friend

Friendship is important because it helps us build connections with people who share our values or interests. I have this one friend (M) from high school, we are closed to the extent she took the same course with me at college. We both have the same scholarship, you can’t see us apart, we ate lunch together, we study together and  we took the same route home and sometimes when we are a little short with our allowance we walked home, even if we are both wearing heels.

She had already maybe my best friend, I can tell her my problems at home, my crushes back then and everything that is disturbing me. We are closed since we are together since high school, but not too close, because we do still have other friends in the group. We grow apart, right after college graduation, she got married and have one child, she withdraw herself in the society and so did I. We lost contact and don’t communicate often, there’s Facebook, but internet in the Philippines wasn’t that good that time. Maybe because we have both been busy with our own life that we forget our friendship existed.

breakup with a friend

For me, my friends are for lifetime, but I am kind of person that if you don’t initiate to contact or to talk with me, I will not either. Chatting was too burdensome for me, unless I enjoyed what we are talking or I like talking to you. Some of my friends can attest to that, because it comes to a point they have to tag me, so I will be notified and participate in the conversation.  A work friend actually complained once, that I respond so late, because she will chat in the morning, I replied at night time already, LOL.

Anyway, four months ago a high school classmate, messaged me about a letter circulating in their barangay, apparently a friend’s aunt is doing a fund raising for my friend (M), the content of the letter shocked me and I was in disbelief and I immediately messaged my friend M, if it is true.  She said yes, they were fundraising, but she didn’t elaborate the results and she even almost denied having a grave illness, she just told us, she is sick and in medication, she said she is doing better, the medicines she is taking is effective. As a friend, I shared her situation with some of my other friends and to our classmates, we helped her in our own little way and then life became so busy, four months had passed the biggest shocked of my life came, when her husband changed his profile picture and condolences and sympathy flooded in his wall. I panicked and was in disbelief, I immediately contacted her husband, what happened and how’s my friend doing, and the biggest heartbreak this year almost made me weak.

My friend (M) died, she succumbed to her illness. Apparently, she lied to everyone, she keeps her illness to herself, to her family. She hid it so well, that we know nothing. It was painful, guilt and regrets wrapped me up, I was like a robot, functioning but with no feelings, or I functioned but not so well, it was too heavy to carry, I would like to cry, but there are no tears running down from my eyes.  Light headed, I immediately told our friends and classmates in high school and college what happened to M, they were sad too and almost in disbelief, because they also thought she is doing well like she portrayed she was,  we raised funds and I actually asked those who message me personally to extend help if they can, because M’s family is financially exhausted, good thing the response was positive.

At work, I became so silent which is unusual to everyone, they tried to cheer me up and even some of my other friends tried to make me laugh, one of our bosses sent a stolen photo of someone in my inbox, for me to smile and be happy.  It was, actually, a friend and workmate’s birthday that day, it was a happy occasion, but it wasn’t for me. There was no way for me to celebrate when I am sad and in grief, later that afternoon she invited us to go out, as one of our bosses wanted to treat her somewhere nice, I went with them, because I would like to breath and to forget my grief. It helps, was able to feel a little bit better and was able to breath from my sadness.

loss of a loved one quote jack thorne

Anyway, are you going to believe me if I say, I think I already felt something is wrong with my friend. I initially wanted to share our picture together taken in Baguio, but I didn’t because my immediate bosses were going to Baguio and I was thinking they might think I am trying to show off, that I have been there too.  For two nights before she died, I think she visited me too, and I never told this to anyone, because I don’t want to be judge and called weird, but the night before when lights were already off I saw a white silhouette of a woman in our room, just in the foot of my bed, her hair was a bit curl, she is healthy looking and her aura isn’t that scary, I look at her without even a thought who she was, it was only when my friend died that I realized, maybe it was her who visited me at home to say goodbye since we didn’t even see each other for a long time, we went to his father’s funeral last year, but she wasn’t around, or maybe she hid from us.

Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, and prevent loneliness, but I think I wasn’t a good friend at all. I wasn’t able to give those to her while she is sick and dying, wasn’t able to give her love, time and effort. She hid her illness very well, she was already given a few months to live, yet she didn’t tell us, she said she is ok and going stronger, she is already bedridden, but she said, she can already walk and do small things.

Some of our friends, told me to let go that maybe our friend (M), wanted it to be like that, she doesn’t want us to be sad and don’t want us to cry, they said I should be happy because our friend (M) was already free from her sickness, she was already happy in heaven. Shall I really do that?

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My Life, My Friends and My Sadness

Life is all about what…? It is all about surviving no more no less.  If you want to survive, struggle. Haist by the way I am not going to write anything fancy or serious, just want to say I feel depressed last night, I feel lonely and selfless. I am longing for friend, for laughter and fun.

By the way as it is Thursday today I am going to open the old pages of my life,  as what you have read on my previous blogs I am victim of bullying on my younger years, so trusting someone those times is not that easy. My mother keeps reminding me if I can stand alone  in my own be it, I don’t need friend to teach me to escape classes or always going somewhere for happenings.  So I befriended with people who can’t afford to waste their precious time by strolling in town during weekends as they can’t also afford to waste money if it is not needed. So instead of being friend to my old classmate on my grade school I ended up being friend to silent people which is far different of talkative me.

I got three friends, for me they are my closest friends until one time I just awaken they are taking away from me by our classmate who had a serious fight with one member of her group, as she is also the so called classmate of my other friend during their elementary days. I just wake up one day they are  out of my sight, I just find it out they are so busy following the commands of their master, plus  one  of our friend also find a group in the lower section that  she will enjoy most  during lunch break playing with guys I guess,  so I have no choice but to be find another company I became friend of everybody no more group of friends, just friends.

Picnic, Outdoors, Family, Friends, Social, City Scape

[Photo courtesy of Unsplash/pixabay.com]

I don’t know else what happened but we had a so called reunion before our high school graduation,  we eventually realized that we are the original group of friends before other friends came along, so just the four of us went to L’s place as they have not so large field of turnips and they are near the river, so we planned for a swimming. I didn’t ask any permission as it is not going to happened in weekend plus I know my mother will not allow me, it was the time where all you need is to have clearance signed. So we went there, we are happily accepted by her family after sometimes we decided to take a dip to the nearby river, I don’t know how it happened but all I know I am we are  under water struggling to  live, struggling to see a light and land in the river banks. You are right I don’t know how to swim, I just realized someone is pushing me up, so I stop struggling I just go with the flow thinking if I am going to die. After short minutes we see each other in the shallow part of the river throwing up all the water we drink, we almost die the four of us, we have one question on our mind how does it happened? We really can’t remember a single thing, then a fear strikes especially L says the river really took life every year or once a year plus same incident happened to the last batch who graduate that one of them died by drowning.

We are just so thankful that his younger brother was around and a boyish girl which is a local of their place, and we are just so thankful that those two knows how to swim because if not,  in few hours the four of us might be dead. So we trackback how the incident happened with the pieces of recollection from each other, we found out S  is measuring the deep of the water and we decided to help her by holding to each other and then splashed we are taken by her when she accidentally step in a deep part, after that we still manage to laugh as S and L says they are fighting with each other under water, they are punching each other struggling to live as the first one don’t know how to swim like me. And about me and M, she says she can’t swim because I am holding tight to her.

Teddy, Love, Romantic, Affection, Bears, Cute

[Photo courtesy of Alexas_Fotos/pixabay.com]

Our friendship became stronger with that incident until we graduate and choose the path we are going to take  into our future, M and I stick together we took same course, so we’re classmate and friends with our other classmates. While L, we didn’t hear anything from her aside from what her mother told us she went to Manila to her aunt  as she is angry tampo that her parents can’t send her to college, while S (the tomboyish of all) went to different school and took Marine biology then all of a sudden at 18 we heard  she  got pregnant and got married.,

Just few months ago I have reconnected with L, I accidentally I mean eventually find her in Facebook, she just open a new account, I send her a message about how long I have been searching for her and how is she, and so the excited me recommend her account to all of our classmates so they can add her too.  I never received any response from her she just accepted my friend request and nothing less, but I have found out she has the guts to ask our “richie rich” classmates how are they and she missed them.

The fire of excitement dies, she never changed. She is still the same friend I know, who don’t remember me when she is around with people who can help her financially with exchange of being  the “alalay”  like tagatanim ng pechay, tagadala ng kawayan, tagadilig ng plot, tagabitbit ng… and etc at lahat ng may taga..,”

Friends, Friendship, Together, Love, Loyalty

[Photo courtesy of Alexas_Fotos/pixabay.com]

About  M, after graduation we don’t have a strong communication anymore we just see each other when she went home and she is getting married, she invited me to her wedding but it will take place to other town which is miles away so I can’t ago and then I found out she had a christening with her baby and she never invited when it just happened 1 or kilometers away from our home.  After that I have no more news about her she never bother to text me or whatsoever we eventually ended up a communication in Facebook when I am already here as  she opened up an account which kinda hurt me as well, she first added my sister than me. So when exchange message I told her what I feel she replied she added my sister  so I can add her as she don’t know what’s my account, well it is good excuse. Then when I told her about my tampo that she didn’t invite me to the christening of her baby  but she invited one of our friend (which didn’t go anyway) which is far kilometer away from us, as our barangay is just neighbors (M and I), well she didn’t reply anymore I don’t know if she gets online or what. I didn’t bother to check anymore as I am always hurt, I am a friend who is always out of sight and out of place.

Social Network, Facebook, Network, Connection

[Photo courtesy of Simon/pixabay.com]

I also eventually established a communication with one of our college friend too but due too she is not always online just a simple hi and hello and no more, but she is a friend that who don’t let me down, I am Godmother of her firstborn. I don’t know but I am looking for a friend that is so dear close to me like best friends maybe, a friend that will not left me and will always remember me, I am not attention seeker but attention sucker (lol). Haist, I guess this is influenced by reading too much pocketbook during my high school days,. but I guess I can’t have the things I am looking for if I am always a reserved with myself. I am kinda moody eh, there are times I am too talkative and there are times all I want is to be alone, no contact in the outside world, but I want my friends to be there even I am out of sight.

Well it feels like the same way when I am still a kid, I have a lot of friends when I have food, candies and etc., but after they are all eaten I am left alone again. All I want is a friend who will treat me as a friend not because of the things I can offer,  a friend that will remember me  not because of the help I have done but a friend that will treat me as friend even I am cracked egg.  Haha, demanding!

Boots, Travel, Track, Architecture, Shoe, See, Love

[Photo courtesy of Blanka/pixabay.com]

So last night I am kinda depressed because I feel alone waaah, my blogs didn’t received comments from friends but they are all from spammers. Huhuhu, no one remember me but when I wake up today I found few, so I smile.   I am over, OVER REACTING!  Lol!

Just wanna say thank you for the friends I gained online, I am not the best and I can’t even do better than others all I can say I am here when you needed most, not just money, ok?

Well I think I have  to stop being  demanding of an  attention to avoid depression. If a friend remember me thanks, if she didn’t thanks also. So everybody is happy,well  join us and remember the days when you are still sexy and frail..just click the nostalgic badge below.


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