Why I Choose To Be Friends Only With Myself

The other day I have learned that a school mate got married after long years of dating, I have informed my mother about it and she asked me why I wasn’t invited which I simply replied that we are not closed which made her wonder and asked why she went with another schoolmate into our home when I just arrived from abroad, well maybe she just tagged along.

Anyway, it feels like it was been long years, the other day I am able to reread my blog post entitled My Life, My Friends and My Sadness I have been home for a few years and if you will asked me if I meet any of them for a get together, my answer is no.  Never had a chance to meet them and talked like there is no tomorrow. A few times, I have met my college friend when I visited her on her work place, the second time when I dropped my gift to her son and then nothing else, I hid myself and never been out of home unless going to town market with my family.

Girl, Dog, Beauty, Young, Animal, Lifestyle, People

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Honestly, I believed I have a lot of friends but I have found out I am only their friend when I am around and when I am not I am just someone else. Anyway, I have seen some of my “friends” but it is always a casual meeting, if we didn’t wave each other we just say hi and hello. Actually, there is someone I consider a friend on my high school days, I know her parents and her siblings and whenever I saw her in town I greeted her first but I have noticed she wasn’t that excited to see me, she won’t acknowledge me until I acknowledge her first and whenever I asked her question she sounds so inferior and so mighty so I stopped saying hi after realizing it was only me who cares. One fateful day, I saw her walking with a foreigner and the moment she saw me, she held the guy’s arm and let loose when I am already out of her sight and because of curiosity I have done stalking to her social account and I found out it was her boyfriend and she visited a few Asians countries already, so after that incident I didn’t wonder anymore why she has that attitude towards me.

Child, Play, Happy, Kids, Childhood, Joy, Summer, Dirt

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“I am scared of rejection so I choose to be alone”

When android phones became popular in the market I reconnected with some of my so called “friends” and schoolmates through Facebook but then I realized their hidden agenda on reconnecting with me. They want to meet me but I have to pay for them, they want to bring me but I have to pay for them and blah blah blah…. there are some “friends” who will asked how much allowance I received monthly and whenever I say I am not receiving any, end of discussion they won’t message again but what is more entertaining was when an old friend added me in Facebook just to borrow money (lol).

Since then, I learned how to be reserved and answer briefly as short as their question. I don’t give much details and updates about me especially about my married life that they are devouring to know.

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My Life, My Friends and My Sadness

Life is all about what…? It is all about surviving no more no less.  If you want to survive, struggle. Haist by the way I am not going to write anything fancy or serious, just want to say I feel depressed last night, I feel lonely and selfless. I am longing for friend, for laughter and fun.

By the way as it is Thursday today I am going to open the old pages of my life,  as what you have read on my previous blogs I am victim of bullying on my younger years, so trusting someone those times is not that easy. My mother keeps reminding me if I can stand alone  in my own be it, I don’t need friend to teach me to escape classes or always going somewhere for happenings.  So I befriended with people who can’t afford to waste their precious time by strolling in town during weekends as they can’t also afford to waste money if it is not needed. So instead of being friend to my old classmate on my grade school I ended up being friend to silent people which is far different of talkative me.

I got three friends, for me they are my closest friends until one time I just awaken they are taking away from me by our classmate who had a serious fight with one member of her group, as she is also the so called classmate of my other friend during their elementary days. I just wake up one day they are  out of my sight, I just find it out they are so busy following the commands of their master, plus  one  of our friend also find a group in the lower section that  she will enjoy most  during lunch break playing with guys I guess,  so I have no choice but to be find another company I became friend of everybody no more group of friends, just friends.

Picnic, Outdoors, Family, Friends, Social, City Scape

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I don’t know else what happened but we had a so called reunion before our high school graduation,  we eventually realized that we are the original group of friends before other friends came along, so just the four of us went to L’s place as they have not so large field of turnips and they are near the river, so we planned for a swimming. I didn’t ask any permission as it is not going to happened in weekend plus I know my mother will not allow me, it was the time where all you need is to have clearance signed. So we went there, we are happily accepted by her family after sometimes we decided to take a dip to the nearby river, I don’t know how it happened but all I know I am we are  under water struggling to  live, struggling to see a light and land in the river banks. You are right I don’t know how to swim, I just realized someone is pushing me up, so I stop struggling I just go with the flow thinking if I am going to die. After short minutes we see each other in the shallow part of the river throwing up all the water we drink, we almost die the four of us, we have one question on our mind how does it happened? We really can’t remember a single thing, then a fear strikes especially L says the river really took life every year or once a year plus same incident happened to the last batch who graduate that one of them died by drowning.

We are just so thankful that his younger brother was around and a boyish girl which is a local of their place, and we are just so thankful that those two knows how to swim because if not,  in few hours the four of us might be dead. So we trackback how the incident happened with the pieces of recollection from each other, we found out S  is measuring the deep of the water and we decided to help her by holding to each other and then splashed we are taken by her when she accidentally step in a deep part, after that we still manage to laugh as S and L says they are fighting with each other under water, they are punching each other struggling to live as the first one don’t know how to swim like me. And about me and M, she says she can’t swim because I am holding tight to her.

Teddy, Love, Romantic, Affection, Bears, Cute

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Our friendship became stronger with that incident until we graduate and choose the path we are going to take  into our future, M and I stick together we took same course, so we’re classmate and friends with our other classmates. While L, we didn’t hear anything from her aside from what her mother told us she went to Manila to her aunt  as she is angry tampo that her parents can’t send her to college, while S (the tomboyish of all) went to different school and took Marine biology then all of a sudden at 18 we heard  she  got pregnant and got married.,

Just few months ago I have reconnected with L, I accidentally I mean eventually find her in Facebook, she just open a new account, I send her a message about how long I have been searching for her and how is she, and so the excited me recommend her account to all of our classmates so they can add her too.  I never received any response from her she just accepted my friend request and nothing less, but I have found out she has the guts to ask our “richie rich” classmates how are they and she missed them.

The fire of excitement dies, she never changed. She is still the same friend I know, who don’t remember me when she is around with people who can help her financially with exchange of being  the “alalay”  like tagatanim ng pechay, tagadala ng kawayan, tagadilig ng plot, tagabitbit ng… and etc at lahat ng may taga..,”

Friends, Friendship, Together, Love, Loyalty

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About  M, after graduation we don’t have a strong communication anymore we just see each other when she went home and she is getting married, she invited me to her wedding but it will take place to other town which is miles away so I can’t ago and then I found out she had a christening with her baby and she never invited when it just happened 1 or kilometers away from our home.  After that I have no more news about her she never bother to text me or whatsoever we eventually ended up a communication in Facebook when I am already here as  she opened up an account which kinda hurt me as well, she first added my sister than me. So when exchange message I told her what I feel she replied she added my sister  so I can add her as she don’t know what’s my account, well it is good excuse. Then when I told her about my tampo that she didn’t invite me to the christening of her baby  but she invited one of our friend (which didn’t go anyway) which is far kilometer away from us, as our barangay is just neighbors (M and I), well she didn’t reply anymore I don’t know if she gets online or what. I didn’t bother to check anymore as I am always hurt, I am a friend who is always out of sight and out of place.

Social Network, Facebook, Network, Connection

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I also eventually established a communication with one of our college friend too but due too she is not always online just a simple hi and hello and no more, but she is a friend that who don’t let me down, I am Godmother of her firstborn. I don’t know but I am looking for a friend that is so dear close to me like best friends maybe, a friend that will not left me and will always remember me, I am not attention seeker but attention sucker (lol). Haist, I guess this is influenced by reading too much pocketbook during my high school days,. but I guess I can’t have the things I am looking for if I am always a reserved with myself. I am kinda moody eh, there are times I am too talkative and there are times all I want is to be alone, no contact in the outside world, but I want my friends to be there even I am out of sight.

Well it feels like the same way when I am still a kid, I have a lot of friends when I have food, candies and etc., but after they are all eaten I am left alone again. All I want is a friend who will treat me as a friend not because of the things I can offer,  a friend that will remember me  not because of the help I have done but a friend that will treat me as friend even I am cracked egg.  Haha, demanding!

Boots, Travel, Track, Architecture, Shoe, See, Love

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So last night I am kinda depressed because I feel alone waaah, my blogs didn’t received comments from friends but they are all from spammers. Huhuhu, no one remember me but when I wake up today I found few, so I smile.   I am over, OVER REACTING!  Lol!

Just wanna say thank you for the friends I gained online, I am not the best and I can’t even do better than others all I can say I am here when you needed most, not just money, ok?

Well I think I have  to stop being  demanding of an  attention to avoid depression. If a friend remember me thanks, if she didn’t thanks also. So everybody is happy,well  join us and remember the days when you are still sexy and frail..just click the nostalgic badge below.


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