Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…

Many people are so busy with their day to day activities that they couldn’t take care of their older loved ones, and with these caregivers fill these gaps. It was only lately, I realized how hard is care giving job, since I arrived in Tarlac, I have no proper meal for a few days and no proper sleep until today. Whereas, my sister keeps teasing me that I will lose weight in no time.

My grandmother is like a little baby, asleep during the day and in full battery during the evening, she won’t let me sleep, she keeps whimpering and waking me up all night until early morning.  It stresses and depresses me out, I became too sensitive, emotionally dependent and it is becoming toxic feeling that I have to let go of everything with my online/blogging friends, the friendship, the laughter and the connections.

Yes, I decided to let go of my online world. I have realized it wasn’t becoming healthy, I am being emotionally dependent and I am forgetting my real world, I am forgetting I have to live outside and not in the internet, where everything is superficial and mostly fake according to a friend.

Update:

I wasn’t able to let go of my online world, so here am I blogging again and writing into  my hearts content.

Today, will be my fourth day in Tarlac.  A lot of things have changed in these four days, I think I have lived a good life way back in Odiongan, where all I have to do is clean, washed my own clothes, water the orchids and look after my pets.

Right now, I have to do many things, I have to clean, cooked, washed, fetch water in a deep well, look after my grandma and etc. I can’t even enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning today, nor have a good night’s sleep, the moment I woke up, I have to keep moving until lunch, rested a bit and prepare for dinner. I am not complaining, I am just overwhelmed hence it returns me to the old days, when my younger sister is too young to do anything at home.

Guess what? I have wished before to live alone but not in this way, I literally went out of my comfort zone on my 32nd birthday, if before I just stayed home and not be bothered with other people. Today, I have to smile, talk and asked for help when needed. Yes, I can’t be a snob anymore and just look around, I have to be outgoing and learn how to mingle with other people, I can’t just be silent anymore and hide all the time.

My 32nd birthday brought a lot of changes into my life.  What is ironic, into my 32nd birthday, I have returned to the hospital where I was born. They said when you are returning from where you started, it means your life is nearing to the end.

The other day I have learned that a school mate got married after long years of dating, I have informed my mother about it and she asked me why I wasn’t invited which I simply replied that we are not closed which made her wonder and asked why she went with another schoolmate into our home when I just arrived from abroad, well maybe she just tagged along.

Anyway, it feels like it was been long years, the other day I am able to reread my blog post entitled My Life, My Friends and My Sadness I have been home for a few years and if you will asked me if I meet any of them for a get together, my answer is no.  Never had a chance to meet them and talked like there is no tomorrow. A few times, I have met my college friend when I visited her on her work place, the second time when I dropped my gift to her son and then nothing else, I hid myself and never been out of home unless going to town market with my family.

[Photo courtesy of thatsphotography/pixabay.com]

Honestly, I believed I have a lot of friends but I have found out I am only their friend when I am around and when I am not I am just someone else. Anyway, I have seen some of my “friends” but it is always a casual meeting, if we didn’t wave each other we just say hi and hello. Actually, there is someone I consider a friend on my high school days, I know her parents and her siblings and whenever I saw her in town I greeted her first but I have noticed she wasn’t that excited to see me, she won’t acknowledge me until I acknowledge her first and whenever I asked her question she sounds so inferior and so mighty so I stopped saying hi after realizing it was only me who cares. One fateful day, I saw her walking with a foreigner and the moment she saw me, she held the guy’s arm and let loose when I am already out of her sight and because of curiosity I have done stalking to her social account and I found out it was her boyfriend and she visited a few Asians countries already, so after that incident I didn’t wonder anymore why she has that attitude towards me.

[Photo courtesy of ThePixelman/pixabay.com]

“I am scared of rejection so I choose to be alone”

When android phones became popular in the market I reconnected with some of my so called “friends” and schoolmates through Facebook but then I realized their hidden agenda on reconnecting with me. They want to meet me but I have to pay for them, they want to bring me but I have to pay for them and blah blah blah…. there are some “friends” who will asked how much allowance I received monthly and whenever I say I am not receiving any, end of discussion they won’t message again but what is more entertaining was when an old friend added me in Facebook just to borrow money (lol).

Since then, I learned how to be reserved and answer briefly as short as their question. I don’t give much details and updates about me especially about my married life that they are devouring to know.

My life change dramatically at home since my younger sister was now working. It was like the old days when she was too young to do household chores that I have to do everything. She is the cook in our house, she cooks from the morning into the afternoon but since she’ll be busy now I’ll be doing some of her chores which mean cleaning and being an errand person will not be my only task anymore, I might do the cooking again and took charge charge solely selling ice packs and do some printing when she wasn’t around.

Anyway, we made a temporary dirty kitchen in our old house since we can’t afford to use gas, we used firewood. Yesterday, after I cooked pinangat, I have cleaned the dirty kitchen because it was too cluttered and dirty, my sister cooks but doesn’t know how to clean around, she was told many times but the dirty kitchen always end up in mess and dirt. While I am cleaning someone came to have her document printed so I have to left what I am doing and what is annoying my kitten keeps crying in my foot and when she can’t wait anymore she jump at my body and climb into my shoulder, I didn’t feed them yet since I am still cooking their food and it was still very early in the morning but I guess they’re smelling the fish already.  Prior to that, two of my older cats and the kitten have been disturbing me while cleaning, they keeps following me whenever I go so imagine their foot prints when I just mop the floor.  It feels like I have little kids to care at home. LOL

My sister worked in a water station in town after the old worker left to the city to go to her husband, it doesn’t fit on her degree but it was better than at home doing nothing, she applied in a private bank and took an exam yesterday, I hope she can get the job since the staff needed will be just stationed in town. She took and exam for a social welfare assistant job a few months ago, she was called for interview after passing the qualifying exam but she didn’t showed up since the positioned opened will be in rural islets of our province where she doesn’t know anyone and more importantly my mother doesn’t permit her to work that far but she said she will allowed if it was me. LOL

The other night I was feeling disturb again so I have asked my mother and sister if they want to eat “pancit”, they said yes so we drove to town so we could get one order of pancit. Along the way my sister exclaim that she seems saw a turtle in the road, I have told her to return so we could see it and she was right it was indeed an injured turtle maybe it was a victim of motorcycle hit and run. Since we are just about 600 meters away from home, we picked the turtle and bring it home first before heading to town again.  The turtle was injured, it has some scratches at the bottom. My father put in the large pail where I feed him, I am planning to release the turtle when it feels better.

Turtle is one of the spirit animal that comes out when I took random quiz online about finding my spirit animal. Since I have been finding myself these past few days, I am getting comfort from things that I think there is a relation/relevance to me, I put symbol and meaning to everything. I am not sure if I am going crazy or I am just so depressed that I am clasping to everything that comes along my way.

Looking online I have found at universeofsymbolism.com that the brilliant message from this little turtle totem is not to push myself  because I’ll end up making errors and miss opportunities. It was said that the turtle has the wisdom of knowing that all things come in perfect and divine timing, sharing the golden lesson of patience. I guessed the turtle that shows up along our way is an answered prayer telling me to slow down the pace of my life and being bigger, stronger, faster are not always the best ways to get what I want and control things in instant. It simply reminds me to take thing slowly and don’t rush things at the moment and I should learn the art of waiting…

According to spirit-animals.com too, if turtle is your totem you have exceptional navigation skills. You can always find your way through anything. You also have a tendency to withdraw into your shell if your find yourself in an uncomfortable or what you perceive as a threatening situation. Well, now I know why I can always find the way back when travelling and getting lost is not an option and why I am good in reasoning. Alternatively too, the turtle represents the need to be sheltered or protected from life’s problems which I am needing right now.

Here are some additional associations for turtle:

• Longevity
• Endurance
• Survival skills
• Patience
• Stimulates hearing on both the physical and spiritual levels
• Are you listening carefully to others?
• Let Turtle help you decide to take time to slow down or perhaps to pick up the pace a bit.

Owl is my primary spirit animal then bear and turtle but I guess seeing a turtle is easier than seeing an owl or bear around us. How about you what is your spirit animal?  You can take this quiz www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animal-quiz to find to find it out.

I am not sure but that’s how it looks like to me, I’ve seen two middle school student carrying this cup while I am going to the Nonghyup Supermarket few weeks ago.  It’s new to me so after I bought the items I need I went to the freezer and check what’s new, I didn’t waste my time to try this thinking it is a new flavor of ice cream.

 But I was wrong, its like halo-halo in Philippine, a popular Filipino dessert that is a mixture of shaved ice and evaporated milk to which are added various boiled sweet beans and fruits, and served in a tall glass or bowl. The difference this cold snack consist only red beans, ice and sugar. It seems Korean love read bean so much because it is always included in any bread or snacks.

There is no particular photo that reminds me, seeing this photo I remind my childhood dream to be a ramp model and somehow beauty queen.  God gave me long legs but not a very good height, well yeah I am taller to my cousins but it is not a ramp model height. What I wish is to inherit my Aunt’s height (mother side) because they are so tall at 5’7. Sometimes I wonder  if my childhood accident prevent me from being taller or makes me being tall at this height, lol.

 On my 4th year college I am in the top of being me, I am very confident. One day our institute/department is looking for a student to compete in the upcoming pageant in our school. Well yeah few of my schoolmates/classmates encouraged/asked me to join or if I want to join and then I told  our director I am going to join he didn’t believe me because he knew I am joker.

[Photo courtesy of cdd20/pixabay.com]

Well maybe he believes me but seeing my face, my thin posture and knowing my ability he know I am going to put myself in shame. Hahaha! Well I don’t think even our director allowed me to join, I am going to join. I am not that confident with my assets (as if I have), I have no talent in singing or in dancing so thinking myself dancing for the opening number makes me to be embarrassed because the whole school will be watching me. So merely it is just a good time and my wishful thinking. I also did not join pageants in our Barangay because mostly it is money contest,  just this past few years that they hosted beauty pageant which is I am already old and some of the contestants are teens. Anyway if ever I will tell someone what is my dream and what do I like, probably they will just laugh on me. So my dream will will remain a wild dream.

When I told Pookie bear that if we got a daughter in the future I am going to join her to beauty pageants, you know maybe I am going to make my dream materialized to her, he disagree a lot. He said he had watched a lot of documentaries how beauty queen’s are forced by parents to join a prestigious pageant and how their life ruined by pageants.  So it is a BIG NO to pageants!