Learning to Stand Alone: Life After My Father’s Passing

When my father died, we lost not just a loved one—we lost a pillar of our home. There were many changes in our way of living. We had to learn to do things on our own, tasks that had always been his responsibility. Looking back, I realize why he often told us to be independent—perhaps he knew he wouldn’t be with us for long.

When my father was alive, we cooked using firewood because he always brought it home from the valley. But now, we rely on charcoal, gas, and, when we’re lucky, whatever wood we can find. The gas that used to last three months now seems to run out much faster. Adjusting to these changes has been difficult, but we manage.

The other day, we were assigned to help clean the town in preparation for the upcoming Provincial Athletic Meet. My group worked along the beach, where we found plenty of driftwood. I thought about collecting some after our cleanup, knowing how valuable it would be for cooking. But by the time I returned to the coast after work, most of the wood was already gone. Only small sacks remained. I gathered what I could and took them home. At least, for the next four days, we are assured of firewood to cook our meals.

Losing my father meant losing many things, but it also taught us resilience. We are learning to stand on our own, just as he wanted us to.

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Whirlwind of Emotions: Dream, Death, Regrets and Moving On

Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…

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Care Giving Stress and Unwanted Toxic Feeling

Many people are so busy with their day to day activities that they couldn’t take care of their older loved ones, and with these caregivers fill these gaps. It was only lately, I realized how hard is care giving job, since I arrived in Tarlac, I have no proper meal for a few days and no proper sleep until today. Whereas, my sister keeps teasing me that I will lose weight in no time.

My grandmother is like a little baby, asleep during the day and in full battery during the evening, she won’t let me sleep, she keeps whimpering and waking me up all night until early morning.  It stresses and depresses me out, I became too sensitive, emotionally dependent and it is becoming toxic feeling that I have to let go of everything with my online/blogging friends, the friendship, the laughter and the connections.

Yes, I decided to let go of my online world. I have realized it wasn’t becoming healthy, I am being emotionally dependent and I am forgetting my real world, I am forgetting I have to live outside and not in the internet, where everything is superficial and mostly fake according to a friend.

Update:

I wasn’t able to let go of my online world, so here am I blogging again and writing into  my hearts content.

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