Whirlwind of Emotions: Dream, Death, Regrets and Moving On

Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…

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Relieved That My Mother is Out of the Hospital

My mother was released from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon, I was at home preparing to return in the hospital in the morning when I received a text message from my sister that my mother was already given a permission that she can go home already, so I have to prepare money so they could checked-out. My father fetched me at home, he went back ahead of me in the hospital because my mother has to pee and she need to be assisted to the public toilet, my sister can’t carry my mother alone that’s why it needs two people to bring her out. It was been our routine for over a week already when we are at home and my mother’s need a toilet break my father has to return to the hospital.

We have no health insurance, we are not given free health insurance from our barangay because I guess they thought we are rich. For over a week my mother being confined in the hospital she is stressing herself with the hospital bills and our due dates in direct selling group in town, we have told her that it won’t help her thinking too much all she has to do is to get well so the hospital bill will not soared too high, our relatives were being problematic too that we are staying longer in the hospital, I think they pity us, they’re thinking of our hospital bills because they believed every time the nurse were called or went to the patient room there will be payment, my father became distressed because I guess he doesn’t know in who’s hands he’ll get the money for my mother’s hospital bill, my parents has no savings since my father’s wages is just enough for our daily living.

ambulance, architecture, building

[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]

The good thing I have money, which is supposed to be our tuition fee (my sister and I are planning to take up education unit this school year but I guess it wasn’t for us) and then I received some payments from people who has due dates from the things they loaned from direct selling so your guess is right as mine I didn’t pay in the direct selling group in town right away since my mother’s medicine comes first but of course I have informed them what we are going through and why we are going to be late in paying, we are willing to pay penalties anyway.  The church and other relatives extended financial help, my grandmother and older aunt also handed us some rice grains, I may say it was an unexpected blessings that we are thankful, honestly I have already thought setting up a fundraising profile online if my mother stays in the hospital longer and our hospital bill soared very high.

It was true that you will only knew your real friends in times like this and I may say I have a lot of superficial friends, I guess they were scared that I’ll borrow money from them or asked some help.  I knew the fact that most of them were talking behind my back, asking what had happened on me and in my personal life.

God is gracious, He prepared and supported us financially because I also received several tasks on my few blogs before and after my mother was hospitalized that help us a lot so we are able to pay our hospital dues and take my mother home, the doctor prescribed sets of medicines and required a follow check-up in two weeks.

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New Doctor and Partial Account of the Hospital Bill

A new doctor check-up on my mother since today, her second doctor was in Manila and I guess the first one wasn’t around or been busy with other patients. According to the new doctor my mother’s sugar level and uric acid wasn’t too high, his finding my mother maybe had a stroke because of cholesterol, he said that even a person has a lower cholesterol level it can cause a stroke. Her medicine were changed  to tablets already unlike before they were thru IV,  one of her medicine were lowered on dosage.

Blue and Silver Stetoscope

[Photo courtesy of Pixabay/pexels.com]

We are told that my mother might be discharged tomorrow, my mother requested the sales clerk in the hospital pharmacy to have a partial account of our hospital bill, she was from our barangay so we knew her. The partial amount was quite high, it was almost three months of my father’s monthly wages as a carpenter (his rate is ₱2,100 per week) and we have already spend almost two months of my father’s wages in medicines and other expenses so the bill was like a fortune for us, quite sad too we have no health insurance.

My mother can now sit without being felt dizzy unlike the last few days that she can’t even raise her head although her affected body has still no sensation but she can move her hands and feet already.  She’s recovering quickly isn’t it?

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My Mother Being Confined in the Hospital

My head is spinning, maybe because lack of sleep, fatigue and not eating on time.  Everyday the doctor handed a new prescription and everyday the prescription bill cost more than a thousand of pesos, my mother’s first laboratory test cost a lot as well and then there are other succeeding test that isn’t free at all. My mother was recovering, she is doing better than her first two days in the hospital that she looks like in a vegetative state. Every day something is improving, she’s able to move her paralyzed body but there isn’t a sensation yet. At first I have thought there was but I guess my mother is confused and high with different medicines injected to her, she became short tempered, emotionally down and stressed with anything, the house, the hospital bills and money no matter how we told her to relax.

On the first few days my mother doesn’t eat anything nor drink, the doctor says it was fine since there is nutrients coming from the drip in her hand. The laboratory tests shows she has high level of sugar, high uric acid and UTI problem that resulted her stroke attack and with this a lot of food was prohibited for her to eat, mainly the food she enjoy so much.

It was hard for us to see her in bed lying and can’t do anything that even a little move required an assistance, my mother was put in a cathether when she can’t pee in the adult diaper, she can pee in the toilet but the problem the public toilet is a little bit far from the room since the room we rented has no private toilet room. The doctor ordered that my mother needs a complete bed rest since when she insisted to go the public toilet of the hospital in a wheelchair she went very tired and exhausted. The doctor says going to the toilet won’t help her recover faster since it is draining her energy.

As day goes by, she is able to drink a little as 20 ml of water.  It was hard at first because she can’t drink or swallow well, we massage her paralyzed body the best we can. She complaint of pain which she can’t point where, it was also difficult for her to sleep especially the first day where she doesn’t want to sleep scared of not waking up anymore.

Medicines are expensive the good thing a few relatives and the church extended financial help to us, we are not expecting it but we are thankful because it helps a lot to us, my father wasn’t able to work and my sister too while my mother is confined in the hospital.

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Unexpected Stroke Attack and Private Hospitalization

It was normal Tuesday morning, I was starting my day surfing the internet looking for some opportunity to earn online when suddenly I head a loud bang in our bathroom, I already knew what happened so I stand immediately before I can hear my mother calling out my name. As expected I found her in the bathroom floor, I immediately took some ice pack to mend her head that was hurt since I was told she hit the wall and then the rest was quick like a lightning bolt after I asked someone who’s buying ice pack to call for help, people came in panic and carry my mother who is already tongue twisted. I don’t know if I should go with them in the hospital or just stay home, I consciously handed the motorcycle key to Pastor E and asked him to let my sister knew what happened to our mother but he waited for me while I am collecting things to bring in the hospital like blankets since pillows were already taken by my older cousin.

I’ve found my mother in an emergency room of a private hospital, she was rushed over there since it was the nearest hospital from our barangay, she is lying in the stretcher being check-up by nurses and a doctor. I was asked several questions like her medical history and etc., It was the first time my mother was brought in the hospital, she was never confined for any reason and never had health tests.  I was asked to sign a paper for admission after the nurses asked my age. I would like to wait for my father but I was told it was needed to be sign right away so my mother will be admitted in the hospital and will be given care.

Hospital, Infusion, Drip, Antibiotic, Liquid

My sister was already in the hospital since the water station where she is working was just nearby after a cousin in-law notify her, Pastor E and my sister went to my father’s workplace after calling his contractor where he is working that day. My father didn’t immediately went to the hospital I don’t know if it is because of shock because when he left the house my mother’s still doing fine.

My aunt’s and a cousin was in the hospital with us, the hospital asked what room we want to rent, I was given a choice an air conditioner room or a room with just a fan with other patients, I choose the latter since we can’t afford the higher room, well even their cheapest room cost a lot as well, I have heard later that there are also suite room upstairs. My mother was brought in the room, it was hot, no toilet room and very simple then I was given a prescription and the price is shocking for a penniless like me and then I was asked to buy adult diapers since my mother was like in a vegetative state and then another shocking prescription to buy at another pharmacy, good thing Pastor E drove me around.

Then the next day, we are asked if we want the hospital to refer an internal doctor. I have asked first how much does it cost , if it cost a lot we can’t afford it since we have no land to sell anymore and we have no health insurance. I didn’t get a direct reply but I have agreed for the referral since my mother’s health comes first.

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