Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…